june 29, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'I went through so much last summer. well and last yr. I've been re-reading my recent entries from this time last yr. And I was alone, for the most part. W/ my grandmother's. situation........and then Maggie leaving. [a family friend]. Then the whole. SA realisation. and the drinking. and, very recently [end of April, actually], re-discovering I'm schizoaffective.

..................yeah.

It was insane.

I'm not alone. And, ya know. Maybe it's weird to say this but.........there's a certainty in knowing she'd already left. My grandmother. That finality. We don't have to wait. wonder. Ya know?

Yeah it's sad. And lately I've been remembering everything about her.

Last year. was. v. isolating. All that time I just wanted to be taken care of. I was hurting. Still am, but not just bc of that. I'll get to that later. And then I finally found someone who did that for me and............wow. just. wow. It's been a helluva journey and it's not over. [yet].

Mourning's a bitch. It's, really hard. In one of my entries I put 'maybe I'll get sick enough that I'll eventually stop'. And I did. cause that's what addictions do to ya. for.ya. I got fukin alcohol poisoning.........fukin blackout drunk. my god. it was awful.

I never drank much before this yr.

Also. Around this time last yr. I slept deeper. And once ahain I am. Not better. just deeper.

Back in Oct. I was scared of loss. of losing. people.