june 30, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'I'm not feeling that great. crashed at 2 a.m. woke up at 12. I remember my dream.......James was in it. and my dad. Idk for some reason today felt rushed. Which is not a good thing when you're hungover. Which I was. er still am a little. I didn't do a whole lot except organise my linen closet, quarters, store run and got ready. for dinner.

Yeah. Kate, the parents, my dad's siblings & I all had dinner together. it was short, I really didn't care for the place. The ceiling was wood-paneled which reminded me of my previous room at my parents'. A place I didn't particularly like. theirs or the room. which. is why I'm never there. it's like...........really? really? I don't need this right now.

When Kate &I got to dinner my aunt said hi to me but that was it. not even a 'how are you'. Well. actually that's not really the reason I'm so put out atm. It's always been that way around my extended family........not much to talk about. I'm a v. reserved, private person and that's how I prefer it. they're nice people don't get me wrong. it's just..........the only reason I'm seeing them is bc we're related. I have nothing against them. W/ the exception of my uncle and my cousin on my mom's side. er. I mean if we weren't related I'd still want to see either of them. i've always been 'on the outside looking in'. [who sang that?]

Back to what I was saying, about the hangover. It's so weird being hungover on a Sat. Usually when I am it's a Thurs. I wake up go to the store come back and that's it. I'm sure whoever I encounter is lovely but when I'm hungover........I don't want to talk to anyone. it's nothing against you/it's not you. it's me.

um. So at dinner, on the other side of the menu's theum. er. I mean, there's a drink list. I'm an alcoholic whose been going through withdrawl. That. really doesn't help.

I had water w/ dinner. as usual around my family. which is prolly good.

It was hot today. Not that I usually go out during the day in summer, so. good thing too. uh..........   and that's exactly why. But Wed. - uh.......  yesterday it wasn't as hot. and today it was 91 or something. my feet were burning. - and No not sunburnt. just v. warm - and kindof in pain too. which had gone away untill then.

Uh.............so. when Kate & I were going to dinner, she told me Mom was upset cause it's been a yr since my grandmother.um. 'left'. And I'm like ok thanks for letting me know so that this way I don't wonder. I didn't say anything to Mom cause I figured that'd make it worse. actually I didn't say much to her. Kate's always been v. verbal around them and I. haven't. like I said, the whole. reserved thing.

So I picked up on some of that...........which honestly I think made me more anxious during dinner. I barely stopped eating [I had fries btw. they were thin which was. surprising]. And then I realised 'oh. guess I should be more ladylike around them'. yeah but that honestly wasn't my top priority atm. But it seems my mom always likes seeing me so, you know. that hopefully helped.

So...........   [i'm tired which is why there'r gaps here]. apparently Mon. night my dad's siblings & paremts & maybe Kate are going for pizza & ice cream at my dad's mom's [Carol's]. My mom asked if I wanted to go and I didn't. I really don't want to see Carol even if she has changed. but if she has though she has become nicer. it's not bc of me. and really why invite that in? The only reason I'd go is to protect Kate but.........I'm not sure how much that would help me. ya know?

Carol hasn't always been the nicest person over the yrs. I don't want to be reminded of that and all that comes w/ it. No. I want to take that part of my life back. I'm so glad I'm done w/ all that. It's just another reminder of last summer. and it's starting to become too much. and that's not good. [no well clearly].

there's prolly more but I really don't want to go into it right now.