july 10, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>...horrible.

Not. um. pertaining to the fight.

So there's been a lot on my mind lately and I need to get it the fuk out and to get me the fuk out which i did was this past weekend.

............   um. But in the words of Wicked 'that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in'. no no it doesn't. The other day when he was here I.almost did something. it involved my bathroom. yes i did it during the day. er, almost.

And it scared him. just as it should've. i've never had anyone be here for that. And we've not talked about it bc I'm too scared to. bc it's to new.

But I want to him know my feelings on it. just not yet.

I want out. there's a reason I haven't eaten well in days. well there'r several. actually. and apparently as I just found out an hr and a half ago [2:10 a.m. atm] when i do i get sick. i feel horrible. my god. my body's reacting. it reacts when i don't eat [actually it puts me in pain when i don't eat. untill i do something about it. now who does that sounds like? oh yeah. that's right me. when i'm angry and he's here] .........it reacts when i do. it can't not react.

no bc it wants me here.

we're 2 entities. um. i mean. i can't honestly say i'm happy this way. well i can and i do but that's like. 30% of it. the other 70% of me isn't. again again again. i always do this i have for yrs.

in college i ate more than i do now. well i ate breakfast i mean. and i was thinner. i can't accept that i'm that thin bc to me that means angular and i have the same figure as marilyn/donna reed.

I know he's trying to help me /means well when he tells me he likes girls a bit bigger than me. but really, all that does is make me feel insecure. like oh you don't want me if i'm thin. [well no not if it's to this level. yeah and i don't want me either. not lately]. it's like he's saying i'd mean more if i were bigger.

i don't want to gain weight just for someone else. that wasn't why i started recovery in the damn 1st place. and that's not why i wanted to continue it. but now i feel i am.

and that's not good. the person you're w/ shouldn't have you feeling insecure. and/or makes you feel like he doesn't have time for you. and you know. at first i liked that cause i knew if i did. er. if we were together all the damn time i'd feel trapped. something he never wanted mt to feel. i get why we're not together as much bc it's a lot of gas money. and i know there's not a whole lot i can ddo about it.

but it's like he's saying my own physicality doesn't mean much to him. well thanks for the trigger.

you can understand why i wouldn't want to talk to him. as of late.

hell when i was 17 the guy i was w/.........we spent more time together than my current one and i. and that was the guy who r*ed me! now what does that tell you? [no i actually really want to know].

i pushed it. w/ the eating. and my body didn't like that. it's pushing back. i haven't pushed it like that in awhile. not anorexia-wise. though alcohol-wise i have. about 2, 3 wks ago when i had not 3 but 4 drinks at the bar. and got drunk.er. drunker.

i knew if i pushed it i'd crash. and i did it anyway.

but i've been so hungry lately. i'm actually starting to miss food. so you know my thoughts there were 'ok well pasta has carbs which = energy'. which i. clearly need more of. not 'oh crap i really shouldn't eat a near full bowl of pasta right now'.

i was trying to do the right thing and it ended up backfiring. on me.

i'm not ready to further detail the fight yet.

i don't feel good i haven't been happy i'm going through hell