july 12, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>..........activating.

It's not even about whose fault this is. Or why we haven't been talking. No part of the summary of all this is that basic fact. It feels like we're not talking. [ok so we're not].

We're not........physicalizing. I am bc I've been putting more into this than he has. sexually. And it's not his fault.......I mean I get why he hasn't given me oral. You know, so I'm not going er. not finger pointing, as it were. oh god no. It's just.....it makes me sad.

Ya know so it reminds me of when I was single and I'd miss it. and it's like fuk I need some. I'd deal w/ it myself but, uh again. too damn hot to. And it's not even about ok so how do we fix this. It's not even about the future. It's about the now the present. Having feelings and thoughts and reactions be known. It's about..........knowledge?, in a way.

And again. a part of me doesn't want to see him be w/ him bc of my insecurities. bc I don't feel good enough. No I really don't. and for someone w/ my issues that's...........wow. that's really actually sad.

And this is the first time I'm verbalising that I don't feel good enough for him.

I'm tryig to prove to myself that I'm hot when I get all dressed up to go to the bar. So that someone will notice and I'll be like 'wow. thank you'. It's really sad that women have to lower ourselves to such standards.er. to those standards, rather.

But the one person I don't want to do that for is him. bc I feel like if I do he'll say something about my weight. But i.........it's.........no no no that's not it at all and I know that that's how I'm perceiving it.

and.it's. it's terrible.

Certain things aren't working for us. this, for instance. so earlier I left him a voicemail telling him tomorrow I wanna sit down and talk to him about stuff.

So now I just have to wait.