july 17, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'god so here we go.

I've been in recovery the past 4 summers. I don't remember the last time I ate breakfast. Like, real breakfast food. In Denmark last year on my 24th. They had this fabulous breakfast omygod.it was so freakin good.

And then after that. back in May in the city.

The interesting thing here. is that. I love breakfast food. it's like, my favorite thing. well that and fries. and yet i never have it. i don't have sweets either for that matter. like i'm not against them.

Back when I was eating I'd have dinner. and whenevr I wake up I'd eat. it's not like I made a conscious effore to or anything it just. sortof happened that way.

My other problem is I'm never sure what to have for lunch. And sometimes it feels weird having the same thing for both lunch and dinner. like shouldn't I be having 2 different things? i'm not sure. and I associate certain foods w/ uh. the corresponding seasons. I eat more in the fall/winter bc it's cold. Sometimes in summer it's too hot to eat/make anything esp. lately.

And now my AC's actually finally working - my dad fixed it - which is. weird. Like, seriously. I never use AC. I think the last time I did was in college. And my theory was oh maybe if I don't eat/eat less I'll get. cold. and then it'll all even out. cause that's how it usually goes. but that didn't happen.

See the thing about AC is that it's cold. which is entirely the point I realise. But...........I guess now that I have it and it is working I associate it w/ winter. so it's like it should be snowing in something. and it doesn't quite match up. but yet it does. idk maybe i'm just weird that way.

Um. I mean I'll eat well and then something'll happen after awhile and I won't. and then sometimes I'll get really deep into a relapse. and just feel horrible. and then it'll start back up again. just like it always has.

er..........   so it's not a constant stream of eating well. But it is constant in that it's stagnant like that.

I'm an addict so that should be pretty self-evident those.patterns.

So this past weeked James & I were talking about this. And he gave me some ideas. Which I'd already had in my head but hadn't blogged about - which is usually the 1st step the progression of things - so. in all honesty it felt a bit rushed. He gave me some ideas about eating and food and what to have when and such. He's not wrong. No in fact I like his ideas.

And I'll usually bring up things only after I've blogged about them. otherwise it doesn't feel 'right', somehow.

His thoughts on it are that I either eat or I don't. well um yeah. I know physically and only purely physically and er. biologically [or w/e the "right" phrase would be/is] that is what it is. exactly. Yeah but 2 points I'm going to make: A: as someone once told me I could eat right and well and all that and. might be that things still wouldn't be great. and 2: that's only part of it. what about all the other stuff? the emotioal? [stuff] [?].

I want to help him understand. I just, again am lost as to how exactly to do that. And I want and have been wanting ideas from him as to how to do that.

He told me recently that "I want to be part of what makes you better". no one's ever told me that.ever. before.

If perfection is boring then why am I addicted to it?

I really don't know.

he's right; i do think i have to be perfect.

Um. there's more but i'm fairly knackered right now, so I'll come back.