july 18, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'sry that last word was supposed to be 'control*.

destruction. anger.

Um.

He's right. again, he's right. I do think I have to be perfect. And I have this constant, almost paranoia that at any point during the day my parents will stop by. So no. i'm not completely independent from them. It's not like we coexist on 2 different paths. No we're on the same path just miles apart.

In a way it's better being at his place bc I don't have to be as ready. Hell I can sleep topless if I want to. [well i do that here too]. It lessens my anxiety. It should. well i mean. it's supposed to he's my boyfriend.

The way I see it, it's better to not rock the boat than shatter. around them. I don't want to go into it. only. bc i've done it so many times before. and it deems itself pointless now.

You know. He's the first person I've physically taken my anger out on. I've always been destructive ever since I was 15. damn 10 yrs. But that was on me and. idinno if that was better. or not. I'm clearly angry w/ a few people in my life. still am. I've written about it countless times. but honestly? nothing feels as good as physically taking out on someone and disconnecting yourself from them while doing so.

I don't want another way of dealing w/ it. i really don't.

And he's the first person I ever have. When I'm angry I'm the silent type. You know, either that or I'll show you I am. but i won't tell you. oh no bc that would be too hard. [so what's new there].

I can make you feel great and wonderful but I can also destroy you. at least physically. and that scares me. and/but. sometimes that's the only way to get me to care. weird as it sounds.

I don't know how to lose control without losing all of it. no actually that's not true. I just don't make a conscious effort to.

there must be something really wrong w/ me in order for me to still be this angry.

He's hurt me in the past and doesn't like it when I bring things up, from the past. so......I hurt him. no i'll be honest I have. physically I have.

The other day he was telling me that when I'm sick he needs to 'fix me'. 2 points I'm going to bring up. 1: back when he said anything - or. well maybe he didn't - about 'fixing' me I told him I don't like it bc it makes me sound objectified. and B: while that's true........the other side of that is.......that..........  it's like he's going 'awww something's wrong and i want to help you i want to make it and you. better'. he wants to take care of me.

i've waited so damn long for this. which, actually. is really sad. i love him for this i do. in fact it's one of my fave. things about him. and he's great.

but wow.