july 13, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'me like a river does.

So.

Ya know. it shouldn't be like this. I should feel loved by him. as comfortable w/ around him as I once was. this isn't good [well no clearly not]. I know he loves me. he's forever telling me this.

and once again i've chosen someone like my dad in that he loves me but doesn't know how to show it [and when he - my dad - did it wasn't enough]. No. no no no. That's not it. no that's not it at all.

I want to be reminded of my own physicsexuality bc the 1st time I spent yrs hiding from that bc of the r**e and do you know how bad that was [for me]? It was awful. I don't want to be that dead again.

"our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" - dr. king

Yeah I know. and that's how we die. And untill I get to talk to him about it I'm going to keep going on about it. as i do.

It's starting to feel shocked. surreal. like living in a dream and not in a good way. this doesn't feel good. ya know when, after something awful happens and you're shocked for awhile? yeah it's how this feels.

There's a song, Melody Gardot, entitled 'love me like a river does'. i love that song. fact, i put it on a mix for him. stating that that was exactly how I wanted him to love me. that was in the beginning. And right now it doesn't feel like I have all of his physicalness around me. even when we're together.

At the arts fest we had tantra. kindof. [btw i love tantra]. we were standing facing each other just. pressed completely together. while everything was going on arond us.

I just realised something now at 11:40 p.m. I actually weirdly miss telling him 'slow the hell down' whenever we were lying together on the sofa ar Leela's. I in front. he was kissingbiting my neck. I was't annoyed w/ him then for that and I'm still ot now. I mean I got it. still do. completely. I really liked how passionate he was and that he was passionate. and how desirable it made me feel.