Let The Misery Continue in Ultimate Randomness

Well, I figure a brief update is in order from my bitching from the other night. Let's see...ok, so let's get the TMI out of the way first. The butt pain. Seems as if I might have hemherroids(?). The spelling doesn't matter to me but the pain in my ass sure does. The ex suggested that it might be the cause of my recent pains and it makes sense. Since I haven't been able to drive with the AC on in my car, I have been sweating alot more than usual, and all the car bullshit has me incredibly stressed, so between the two things, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

I figured I would skip a line, that way if anyone did wish to skip that last part, they know where to skip to. So back to the car. Spent a few hours tinkering with it last night at the in-laws house. All we learned is that it definitely isn't the ignition coils or the spark plugs. We learned this morning that the battery isn't the problem, since it held it's charge. We don't think the starter is the problem since the car started right up this morning when we jumped it. More on that bit in a second. We are not sure on the altenator, but it doesn't seem like that is a problem since the battery was holding a charge after being driven for a little while after being jumped. We still think the fuel pump or fuel injectors could be the cause of alot or all the problems. Even so, we have no way of knowing for sure, so my FIL told me to take the car to a garage he is familiar with on Monday to get them to run tests and see what the problem is. If he can fix it, we will do it. If not, well, I'll have to figure that out if it comes up. So anyway, this morning. Well, let me start with last night. With the aforementioned TMI problem, I did not sleep all that well since every time I tossed or turned, I got a nice sharp pain for my trouble. So back to this morning. I headed off for work, knowing I was having problems starting my car but also knowing that despite the trouble, it had started every time before. That is, until I went on my first run. At the second delivery which was in an apartment complex, the car decided it did not want to start. And it absolutely would not start, so my boss came and picked me up. He let me borrow his vehicle and sent me on a triple (three deliveries on one run if there is any confusion). While on that run, I called up my FIL and asked him to meet me at a gas station near the apartment complex where my car was. I finished my deliveries and met him at the gas station, where I jumped in his truck and we headed to my car. I have mentioned that part. We jumped my car and got it running, and it stayed running all the way to the closest Advanced Auto Parts. We thought I might need to get a new battery, but since it was holding a charge, we decided to just have him follow me back to work. After turning the car off, I tried to start it back up again and it caught immediately, so we figured the problem was taken care of for the time being. He ended up giving me a lift back to my boss' car and I drove it back to the store. So when I got back, I went on another run. On the run, I stopped by the gas station. When I went to start the car up, it gave me a little trouble, but that has been normal for awhile every time I fill up the gas tank. But when I got to my first delivery, I had a tough time starting the car up again. So I moved to my Plan B. After finishing my deliveries, I went home. I figured if turning off the car was going to be a problem, I wouldn't. I went back to the house to retrieve my spare key from my ex. The plan was to leave the car running the rest of my shift, leave it open if I could, lock it with the spare key if I could not. The downside was that the rest of my shift was still another 10 hours. I got through it just fine, but by the end, I looked and felt like hell. I was drenched in sweat, my hair was a wreck, and I was just happy to be done. Now I am sitting in bed, typing this before going to sleep.

If it was too hard to tell, it has been a pretty shitty week or two these last few weeks, and that is on top of everything else that is my life. The ex, the house, the jobs...I really just don't know what is happening anymore. No matter what action I take, or inaction, everything just seems to go tits up. All of that is bad enough. That is just the life stuff. The emotional stuff is getting easier to hide, but harder to bury. And it is getting all tangled. I want love, and I want to be that person for somebody, but I just don't have any confidence in putting myself out there in any way. I would rather be alone than get hurt again. So that is probably my fate. The physical aspect is getting harder to deal with as well. Dealing with the problem on my own just doesn't solve the problem the way it used to. I think my dreams have been pretty good proof of that. I want something more. But that is just as unlikely as love, perhaps even more so. My own hang ups have generalized. Not only do I not believe that any woman could see anything worth it in me, I really have a hard time understanding what any woman sees in any man. I feel like a guy has to have some measure of delusion just to approach a woman. If I have that mentality, what hope is there for me to enact any change on my own. And I sure as hell don't see some woman taking a shine to me out of nowhere. I just wish it would end so I wouldn't think about it anymore. The longing and the loneliness are just too much for me to deal with. Oh well, it's not like much is bound to change no matter what I want. I really should just find a way to accept this new life of mine. Maybe at some point I will, or maybe never. It matters very little anyway.