aug. 13, 2012* in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'Well I got drunk.

[and on that note beer makes me feel sexy. and powerful].

So thispast weekend we were up in Arvada. at his place. left Wed. evening and came back yesterday evening. Yeah so it was a longer weekend than usual. He gamed, I read. slept. ate. talked. and smoked. the usual.

So on Sat.........night I think it was I woke up around 9:50. [yeah apparently, in the words of Max, I sleep a lot. well up there I do cause I don't know Arvada well. yet. and don't want to go off and end up lost some place. You know, here - Denver - if I want to go to the store at 3 in the afternoon I can bc I know the area]. No Advice.

I heard people in the living room and wanted to see what was up. Well, apparently what was up was that Max, Jasmine, Katrina, the other James, my man & Katrina's friend Lindsay [who, btw, is a doll. one of the sweetest people i've ever met. and if you heard her she just sounds sweet], were going to play king's cup. drinking game. so I'm like alrite I'm in. played it before and wanted to drink.

I killed a beer and had little of my 2nd. and at some point had 2 shots. i'm getting better at shooting. somebody must've had my 2nd beerbcause I know I didn't. which is fine. But then, I spent most of the night upset.

[evidently Max is surprised by the fact that I'm actually good at shooting now. I only managed to spill a little.........like, yeah ok when I do shots it's slowly. But, ya know. that's what I'm ready for right now. at some point I'll speed up. oh, we drank Bud and i think either watermelon Bacardi or vodka. I don't remember seeing a vodka bottle anywhere.......I know it was watermelon. oh and we'd not eaten anything all day, so. that. contributed.].

So the girls & I went into the kitchen. Katrina & Lindsay started talking about their dads' [they're friends, not related. seperate families] passing at which point I told them my grandmother had. and somehow this led to me admitting to Katrina that I'd been rped,

She took me out onto the balcony; Jasmine & Lindsay went w/ us. we talked some more. Ok so I'll be honest: Katrina related, def. having been through it herself but....................you know and that's good. She's also a bit much. and that's coming from me. She validated my feelings on. what'd happened but she was also very in my face about it. It wasn't 'ok so this happened to you and your feeling............' like. hurt, or w/e - 'is valid'. It was a repetitive series of 'no you were hurt'. And yeah I was. sure yeah calling the rpe 'rpe' is more specific.....................   hurt is a feeling whereas rpe is.an act. i hope that makes sense.

And so Max came out & the other James. and Max, who doesn't seem one for hugs [which btw is why I haven't] was like 'can I have a hug?'. oh absolutely. I'll hug anyone who asks.

He cares, def.

And somehow the girls & I ended up outside in the parking lot. [oh, Max & my guy live on the 3rd floor of an apt. building]. I remember there were stairs involved.................er. I remember that detail. and the proxomity of the girls. And then we apparently must've gone back inside.

That's a really big thing to tell someone. I guess Katrina got upset bc of what Max did. I'd surmise that, though I don't remember what was said, he told her to calm down. or something along those lines. Whereas w/ him and her guy they were pretty much 'hey we're here if you wanna talk'. As was Jasmine.

It's a really delicate subject and it's. an incredibly weighty issue.

I'm not judging Katrina I'm just. being honest. she's a bit much.........Jasmine can get loud at times. I'm quiet. that's just how people are.

So I guess something went down between Katrina and her guy. I went into the kitchen and asked if he was [even as I'm typing this I still can't believe it's fukin real. it all actually happened. no wonder i'm spent lately] ok and he's like 'yeah are you?' to which I replied 'i'm gettin there'. bc at the moment I was, after all that telling and crying and.crap. Katrina wanted to leave and I was worried about her. I went back onto the stairs bc I couldn't be in there w/ all that energy and Jasmine was on her way out and I think I think I told Jasmine to make sure Katrina's not alone. fuk I've been there. People do stupid things when they're upset.

And honestly, upon looking back, that's all I could do. and really all I wanted to do. at the time.</p<>