aug. 14, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'>......of mind somewhat.

So over the past couple weeks I've been doing some thinking about this. You know, my whole life I always believed one thing. Well. One thing above all else. That life is hard. And that's the way it's supposed to be and I couldn't even think it was to be different. So you know that played into the whole 'oh well this happened to me and I'm this & that and the other thing'. Um. I know that's not v. clear.

Like yeah I'm anorexic and that hurts. Or yeah I have depression and that sucks. All my life my mom's told me 'it's unfair' or 'ife is hard'. I love her ......... don't get me wrong. I'm just offering a different viewpoint.

I never really had a choice in that [I'm aware that's repetitive]. You know, so it wasn't like one day I could go up to her and go 'yeah but what if it's not? what if it's not what you make it out to be which therefore I'm believing?'. I just..........I just wonder. It also, back then, hadn't even occured to me to do so. Or even just as a thought.

And, ya know. I don't really want to, either.

Yeah I've been through crap. won't say I haven't. And yes, as James pointed out, I've gone through some horrible crap that no one should ever have to. Ok yeah def.

He's the first person ever to make me realise that wow. I've aactually got a choice to think believe differently about this. I actually have the opporunity to do so now. In the book The Help Skeeter describes this so much more concisely than I have. something about how for the first time she has a choice. and further details that point.

You know. I just wonder [as a musing not an actual question, so] that belief, as it were, I learnt from my mom.................the impact it had on who I am now. and how my state of mind has been all these years. I'm not sure I'm explaining this as clearly as I'd meant. er..............