sept. 25, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'So, as mentioned this past weekend we didn't eat much. On Sat. Max grilled up some burgers [the man makes amazing burgers. my god] but James didn't want some bc he did not feel good. [if you're wondering, his mouth hurt, his back hurt and he was just generally sick]. I didn't want to leave his room where we were.

We ate Fri. and Sun. i think we had burgers Sun.

I mean, in all honesty........I didn't really want to eat. I know to most people there are some days where you just don't want to eat or don't feel good for w/e reason. No but for me, who's had anorexia for 10+ yrs [and. has been in recovery for 4 this past summer], I think of that as a relapse. But.........the other side of that is. if that's the only way I ever think of it then. well, it's not really good.

Ya know, and up untill that point I didn't ever want to tell Max no when he made us food. He's a good cook/griller and also. that's one of the biggest things you can do for me is cook for me. He was fine w/ it.

The last time James and I talked about this he's like 'I won't stop you unless you want me to'. Now he'll listen if I got somethin to talk about. And I like that. In the past when he's helped me w/ this I've put us both through hell. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

It's one thing to destroy yourself. But it's quite another to destory or damn near destroy, your relationships. 

Ya know, back when I was like, 17, I wanted to be one of those girls. One of those girls who wanted to go through that hell. I became obsessed w/ it throughout the yrs. But it was never a numbers game for me. Ever. I wanted to be angular......I wanted to be hurt. Physical pain is easier to deal w/ but at the same time it is fukin scary sometimes. Back pain, for instance. 

And in college I was. I really was. I was angular. Pretty really fukin pretty [and i don't mean just bodily] but thin. I came down near to being. having it publicised within my world my circle of people. I know that's vague but I'm not comfortable going into further detail. 

And yeah. I was. it was beautiful and scary and obsessive. and horrible. Anorexia's one of the saddest things I know. I hated it I loved it. I miss it I don't. Ya know........maturing's a weird thing. 

I won't lie I go through relapses even now. Sure not as many and not as often as I once did but they're there. I don't get as sick as I used to or, again. as often. Recovery's a bitch. It's one of the hardest biggest things I've ever had to go through. It sucks. But, ya know. Back when I started recovery I did it for me. And I still am. 

And maybe if I eventually get to the point where I don't relapse for like, a month........it's still going to be a part of me. It always will be. But, now I can type 'yeah I'm anorexic'. or, 'anorexia'. or, 'my anorexia' or some such thing. And now........I have this wonderful, caring, incredibly boyfriend who makes me feel beautiful and special and loved. and always wantes to make sure I feel that way. he always tries to do what he can for me. And then there's Max, who's. not only great - he's a sweethart - but has also recently become warm and inviting and welcoming towards me. he wants to include me. Even if we don't talk about my issues it's. it's a good thing. I love those 2 a lot. and yeah sure in very different ways.

Please don't misconstrue this as 'oh she's got it all figured out'. No bc believe me I don't. I'm getting there yeah def. But I'm not at 'the end'.

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