sept. 25, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done
- July 27, 2014, 5:51 a.m.
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'So, I've been really sleepy today. which is probably good since that way I don't feel as much pain
um. that was really the main point.
I slept better today than yesterday. and this weekend. I know I slept this weekend but I don't remember the hrs. or times. I know I didn't sleep well. which I've actually been doing a lot more of over the past 2 wks, sleeping well.
Oh yeah so talking about that.On Fri. I had this dream which really shook me up. Yeah it involved rpe. In the dream Marcus, Matt and i were all sitting on the balcony [well ok not right on the balcony itself. on the chairs on i t] of the bar arguing [not mean-arguing] over the definiton of rpe.
Ok now it's one thing when in a dream I'm talking about it w/ someone. But it's quite another when it's actually happening. and it did. TW - There was blood on white [i'm recalling that one Frida painting..........i've forgotten the name] and the word 'blood'. And then they were in my bedroom and......stuff went down. Oh 'they' being the 2 guys who rped me.
Yeah as you might imagine it really shook me up. And see the thing about that is that it's not just a dream. Ya know, cause. no. it actually fukin happened. But on the other side of that.........dreams are memories and thoughts.
So then about an hr before James got to my place Fri. night I had an anxiety attack. Which I never do though back when I was in high school it used to happen a lot. Like ok yeah I have clinical anxiety..............but. wow. And Sun. night I just broke down. We were all watching a movie which triggered me. we were watching Godforsaken. yeah i'd never heard of it either. It contains a few scenes that involve blood/pregnancy. yeah didn't know that'd do it. I like/d the movie but damn.
And then. since, I've had 2 more dreams about it. [ok so this entry's more about PTSD than sleep]. Ya know, back in July/August I expected to have dreams about it. cause this past Aug. 25 it'd been 2 yrs since the 2nd rpe. And last yr I was kindof, er, well for lack of a better term, past the 1st one. So yeah I've always dreaded Oct. for the last few yrs. I guess I've, honestly, been kindof 'ignoring' the 1st cause I was past it. I know you can't ever fully get past it no that's not what I'm saying. No I'm saying for me I was, for the most part. So I didn't factor in that oh yeah this'll happen.
no advice
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