oct. 15, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'they're wrong. and cake.

Um. So, Matt was right when he told me that.............  thing about the thing that I was angry w/ James for. well that's helpful isn't it. when he - Matt - told me that I was misguided. well yeah. I knew that even before he pointed it out I just wasn't aware of just how misguided.

Matt's opinionperspective was that I didn't have much of a right to be angry w/ James. And yes others have offered me theirs. But it apparently and very obviously made such an impact on me that. I still hold strongly to his. Ya know?

And, you can look at it from every angle and he'd still be right. But I keep looking for ways for them not to be. to say they're wrong. Bc I feel like if they're wrong then that means what happened to me - the sex abuse - is wrong. Which it still is. But that way I've equated one w/ the other. Like ok what they said is/was wrong and so is the sex abuse.

Except they're not.

As I've gone over i don't know how many times by now this isn't just a run-of-the-mill relationship thing. No bc 8 yrs ago yesterday [and more on that later] and 2 yrs ago this past Aug. 25. I was r*ped. And that feels and is so much bigger and so much fuller so much..........so much more than just 'relationship stuff'. But I can't seperate them bc that is our life now. I brought my issues what I've been through w/ me into the relationship. I don't regret it it just is. Ya know so it's not like where you bake a cake and you have, you know, the eggs which could be 1 issue like, idk, cutting for instance. and then the flour, another one, i.e. anorexia and the other ones being the other ingredients. Bc all those ingredients make up the cake. And all those things those different parts make up a person.

I realise there are of course substitutes for eggs and flour and whatnot in cakes.

But the other side of that is that if you're in a relationship w/ someone, you can't be w/ them and not take all of who they are. So you can't unbake a cake. no i mean you literally can't unbake a cake though you can sure try. and obviously figuretively speaking as well. You don't have to like it.