dec. 16, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'At some point during the night [Wed.] I'd gone out and smoked w/ a friend of mine. So I was feeling pretty good by the time I came back in the bar. he went back to his place. Actually we smoked between 11 and midnight.

Near the end of the night I was obliterated as all hell. Triggered, and not just my PTSD. So bc I couldn't scream or make any kindof noise - as, you know, you don't do that in bars - I just sat there and cried. I was going to get it out of me somehow. Mandi [karaoke lady] sang 'concrete angel' and that didn't help. That song is my whole fukin life.apparently. Shalimar, my waitress [she's fairly new. nice lady. well they all are. all the staff who work/s there is/are]. asked me if I was ok........I didn't know. I asked if I could talk to Andrew, who knows about the r*pe. I told him Nov. 30 of last yr, actually. So he came over and I mentioned 'what happened' was getting to me. and he's like 'I'm sorry'.

So that happened.

So then Kim asked what was wrong and I told her and she told me she'd been abused to. We talked for a few mins. and then I thanked her. Nice girl. Standoffish def. but the more you get to know her the more you realise that wow. she's beautiful. and she really is.

So w/i the past 2 wks I've told 4 people. 2 of whom are bar friends - Brittany via FB and Kim, as said. at the bar - 1 who was a guy I'd talked to at the bar. And another's my friend Jamie, from high school. So I told her via FB.

I'm glad I'm telling people I really am but honestly it's getting a little draining.

So yeah.

The night ended well though.

More on the triggers & how they made me feel later. as I'm quite tired and.uh. coming down. oh and Xmas trees and Noddles and my mom and sister. and all that.

nearing 8:05 a.m. atm. been up since between 1 and 2 p.m. yesterday, so.