dec. 11, 2012 in The Wonderland Years: 2012: 1/2 done

'should've/sobriety scares me/i need to look back to get through.

Part 2 of the previous entry.

Like I said I've been in a constant haze lately. Last week I had 4 white Russians and a shot. The week before, 4 white Russians. week before that, a 20?oz white Russian and another one. Week before that.......um.......don't remember.

Honestly. It feels like it's gone over longer it should've. A few months ago when I made the plan to get sober, I figured I'd do 6 wks on and 6 wks off. cause I had before so I knew I was ready for it. And I knew I could. So that was ok. But then the most recent fall, it got interrupted the night I couldn't go to the bar bc of my period. And I don't like it when things get interrupted. And then on the 26th my boyfriend and I are hopefully going to my relatives holiday dinner. again, interruption.

But I mean. Sobriety scares me. Those times when you go through withdrawl. But you're still going to drink at the end. And I know why. I know exactly why. Because. I'm so much worse in the withdrawl area than I am sober. as in completely sober.

god that's sad. that 'you're still going to drink at the end'. As James pointed out. I mean but I am. it'd be ridiclous to think I wouldn't. but hell! I drank before I knew him. My alcoholism started a bit more than a yr ago. I love him but it's not an end-all be-all. And maybe that's all he meant by that. I'm noy angry w/ him about this I'm just. it makes me sad.

But, ya know. I need to look back to get through.