may 10, 2013. ED. in The Wonderland Years: 2013

'Um so I've been taking vitamins daily. that Evan left here. Which he's ok w/ me taking. Calcium, 2 B ones and Airborne which has like. Vitamin C and echinacea and all kinds of good stuff in it.

I'm not good w/ taking things in pill form but I also don't want to become dependent on getting vitamins the liquid way. which I haven't, obviously. Actually a few years ago I had an orange multivitamin but it tasted so good I had more than 1 a day.

It's not an end-all be-all and it won't be [and neither's the letter writing/NDE] but it has to help somehow.

Um. No my body's falling apart [my god and I'm only 25] and for once I'm letting it. I could be getting this peripheral neuropathy thing or at least something similiar. I've looked all this shit up online that's why I don't go to the dr [well. that's one reason] bc I know exactly what's going on w/ me and what to do about it. My hands and feet are getting numb which is weird.........I hurt sometimes. god I hurt. Ima wantneed some really strong quick drugs such as morphine or something similiar. I know how this all works. First your bones feel it then your uh. organs [kidneys] and so on.

It's not even so much that I don't care what's happening to me it's that I simply don't have the energy to anymore. I'm quite possibly slightly always hypothermic and it doesn't help my heat's stopped working.again. Not that I need it as it's been warm out but it's CO and the weather changes.like. a lot here. If you don't like it wait awhile and something'll happen. It's like life in that way. Oh so better to get it fixed while I can before it snows again. [and yes according to my mom it has snowed here in June. I don't know when but it has].

However weirdly and interestingly enough I got my period last week. I don't have the energy to be emotional about anything and I could be getting hypertension. hey I've become the incredible shrinking woman!..........wait.................obviously that's not good.

I think that, a lot of people want acceptance want to be ok w/ certain things. Like, I'm ok w/ my sexuality. It's not so much what I'm ok w/ as that I'm ok w/. whatever.

You know. But at the same time everything's so new to me even if I've been to those places before. I want to take in everything even more than I did before. I want people to know my stories and what I like and what I remember bc people should. At the Cinco De Mayo festival downtown last weekend - which I just stumbled upon. I'd always wanted to go and there I was - I literally spun around in the street. Taking it all in. I didn't care who was watching. Like at the end of that one season of Glee when Rachel first arrives in New York. that's how I feel.

Another thing I have in common w/ Bettie Page. In a sense I'm 'born again'.

It's so ironic: I'm so alive and so very soulful. I want to completely immerse myself in everything........so passionate and curious. And yet at the same time, physically. well.............I'm not. It's interesting.

I've become more spiritually aware for the first time in like, ever. it's been a long time. more observant. More i don't know vocally open.