feb. 27, 2013 in My ex.

'I've learnt that. People make promises and try to keep them because at the time we've made them we think we can keep them. Untill something happens and we can't. never keep promises since I always end up breaking them. I thought............he was my first love and I was his. he told me that last time he was here. it hurts. it's really starting to hit me even more. I'm not out bc of the weather. er. I mean, the weather's why I've not gone out tonight. yeah there we go. Otherwise I'd be at Woody's Tavern sittin and sippin water. don't like snow. not that I did before..............but now I don't like it bc. The night we met it was snowing. It'll warm up over the next week. And it shouldn't snow any more untill the next time it.does. er, obviously. What I mean is it won't snow every 2 days, or so. that should help. We got a foot of snow at least over the weekend. e were so devoted. and in love. and I still love him. Now I'd give anything to have him back. to have us. back. If he were angry w/ me..........or if he were a jerk. or............something i keep going over the 'ifs' - it'd still hurt just differently. i'm still in love with him'

____________________' 'I feel like I should already be over him. and we're not even broken up a month. I've been crying drinking angry. the other day I listened to 'need you now' and just balled. And now it's 'leaving on a jet plane'. Not like that's exactly the healthiest thing to do, crying to music but it's better than cutting. I was drinking before this which isn't something I want to go into. But cmon. Music says what people can't. or won't. or. w/e. I'm just beginning to wallow. again.

I'm a wallow-flower. ok so that was a sad attempt at a joke. Ok I'm not a joke teller at all. This is my only joke: why was the bear sad? he lost his honey.

yeah............yeah I've been a sad bear lately myself. I've gone a week without emailing him and so I thought ok I can make it 2. no. no I can't. It's like I'm in mourning. ok so I am. I looked up the stages of a breakup and apparently. everything I've been feeling and will be feeling I'm supposed to be.feeling. wallowing and anger and isolation. Tonight. I'm going to go to karaoke. even if I'm angry or don't want to talk to anyone. or. something. I'm getting out. I want frosting. I have for awhile. And that's actually not all that random. I know for a lot of people ice cream helps. and for me it's frosting. I feel like I've been crying a lot lately. which. I have.

It takes a lot to get me so angry to the point where I'm livid. Easily annoyed/frustrated, yes. But w/ this I'm just that angry. Which ok I was before. when we were together. I want to do something to this fedora he gave me for my 25th. actually he gave it to me a week or so. I've read something like whatever you do don't act on the feeling. And I know exactly why.

But the thing is..........I look great in the hat. I love that hat it's a great hat. Everyone should have something they look great in. I always get compliments when I wear it. who wants to destroy something that makes them more attractive. I can talk about it all I want. and/or blog about it. In fact I'd be worried and confused if I didn't even admit that 'yeah something happened but I don't want to go into it'. If I didn't even admit that somehow something was wrong'