anorexia apathy. life expectancy shortened life span. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

so i'm not dead yet. [and now in other obvious news]. which honestly astounds me. it's really bizarre actually seriously thinking about the fact that we're all going to be some day. that there won't be any more of us. like that we won't be around to hear others talk about us.

The latest is I don't want to go. i'm not ready to. um. i'm not suicidal. right.now. yes and while i'm not suicidal however I. um. i'm rather apathetic a person. no I really don't care that much about most people. or myself. [well. clearly. and again in other obvious news]. and I wish others wouldn't care that much about me and even if they did they wouldn't get all involved [so i'm really referring to my sister here]. but maybe that's why. is bc I don't care that much about myself. and maybe if I did they wouldn't get so involved. so here's my point to all this: I think.that. if I wasn't as apathetic as I am I wouldn't. be as self destructive as I am. and ya know. I wouldn't have half the damn problems I do.

So this is sortof. has nothing to do w/ the above. People always tell me I look so young [which btw isn't a compliment. no it's an insult] which always surprises me. I sure as hell don't feel young. I feel like i'm freakin 40. which actually isn't all that old it's just old-er. mainly bc of my anorexia. I have the health issues of someone who's like. middle aged or older. i'm just waiting for my body to catch up. which it has just not in a visible way. so ok. Just as an example my life expectancy could be. oh I don't know, 80. [actually my maternal grandmother lived to be 90, so]. yeah but if I already feel like i'm 40 then i'll feel like I have uh..........40 [I was about to put 20 but then i'm like wait that's not right] yrs. left. even though I have about 50. [i'm 26 btw 27 next month. yeah um I don't want to be 27 it scares me]. yeah but bc of my anorexia I like. 'aged' 10 yrs. in a.....sense. idk how else to explain it.

My grandfather, who just turned 94, is evidently in good health. and i'm. not. and he's...........uh. 68 yrs. older than me. so that's interesting.