Out in 2023

I went out last night. To the pub, with my friends here who are more like family than my own blood.

And as the long table filled up with chattering people and hugging, I looked around and realized they were here for me … and for you.

They came out with me on a Monday evening to our wee neighborhood pub and lifted my spirits by letting me just talk about you and remember you and love you.

When we first got there, the Leafs game was in the 2nd period on all the pub TVs. I rolled my eyes and laughed .. they were down 1-4 in the 2nd. Oh Babes, your tragic Leafs.

I told the girls, “if the Leafs win the cup this year, then I’ll believe in the afterlife and know Chris is out there because the Leafs haven’t won a cup in 50 years.” Granted this game last night was only game 4 in the 1st round of the 1st series, so there’s a way to go yet to the Stanley Cup.

Then we had to move to a bigger table as more folks showed up, and I lost track of the game. Suddenly Kim says, “oh shit, they’re going in to overtime!” And just like that … the Leafs came back from a 3 goal deficit to win in overtime.

Excuse me, wtf. Alright. Heard, Babes. Loud and clear. Even if it is just the 1st round … whatever that was, was impressive.

It felt a little normal to be out like that last night. Mind you, we’re all in our late 30s early 40s so after 2 drinks, we were all in our respective homes and beds by 8:30pm because adulting.

I put Firefly on the TV in my room and fell asleep to it. Odd how much comfort I get from my favorite TV show at a time like this, but maybe its because it reminds me of the time before …

I fly home tomorrow. Part of me can’t wait to be back but I’m worried it’s because I expect you there somehow and the rational side of me is waging war with my heart.

Your mum is coming over for a visit on Friday afternoon. I’m looking forward to seeing her, and showing her the apartment. How did we never have your family over to our space? Such homebodies in our love nest, weren’t we?

I imagine she wants to feel close to you. I don’t know how to comfort her. I’ve lost my soulmate, but she’s lost her son.

I miss Dee and the dogs. He’s been so freaking amazing taking care of everything while I’ve been away. He misses you so bad. He said, and I know you heard him .. wherever you are … that you were the first man in his life that he wanted to call Dad, that he felt deserved the title.

I hope you know how much you mean to him. How much you mean to all 3 of my kids. How much it meant to them to finally see their Mom so completely loved and happy. The example you set for my sons, and the way you showed my daughter how a woman should always be treated.

They were by my side when we said goodbye to you. I am so fucking grateful that they had flown out just a few weeks prior for Comicon and we had that amazing week with them. They love you so much. I love you.

People say one never truly dies if they’re never forgotten in the hearts of those they left behind. You will live on forever then, my love, because my heart is just so full of everything you.