Here with me in 2023

  • April 21, 2023, 1:51 a.m.
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  • Public

You’re with me forever now, Babes. Permanently in ink on my arm. You would be with me always regardless, but having your writing on my arm now feels a little closer.

I keep running my fingers over the swelling of the letters. I wish they would stay slightly raised like this forever, so I could feel your words with my fingertips too.

I woke up crying this morning. Part of me wants to start taking the night terror meds again .. I haven’t had the terrors in the last couple weeks since being off them but .. I’m not sleeping thoroughly without them either. I just keep hoping you’ll come back to me in a dream, like you did the first night.

It doesn’t hurt when I’m asleep. But the moment I’m conscious, I remember you’re gone. Sometimes, like this morning, the tears come become I’m even fully awake.

I cried silently through the tattoo. There was no pain in my arm, just the ache in my heart. I kept hoping I would feel somethinganything that would take away the grief in my soul.

When she placed the stencil and had me check it before starting … it was the first time I’d seen your dates like that … your birth date and your death date.

And now I say things like, it’s in memory of my late husband. I know we weren’t married and we weren’t ever going to get married because we’d been there done that, but … if I’m a widow now, you’re my late husband.

God I miss you. So much, Babes. So fucking much.


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