Here with me in 2023

You’re with me forever now, Babes. Permanently in ink on my arm. You would be with me always regardless, but having your writing on my arm now feels a little closer.

I keep running my fingers over the swelling of the letters. I wish they would stay slightly raised like this forever, so I could feel your words with my fingertips too.

I woke up crying this morning. Part of me wants to start taking the night terror meds again .. I haven’t had the terrors in the last couple weeks since being off them but .. I’m not sleeping thoroughly without them either. I just keep hoping you’ll come back to me in a dream, like you did the first night.

It doesn’t hurt when I’m asleep. But the moment I’m conscious, I remember you’re gone. Sometimes, like this morning, the tears come become I’m even fully awake.

I cried silently through the tattoo. There was no pain in my arm, just the ache in my heart. I kept hoping I would feel something … anything that would take away the grief in my soul.

When she placed the stencil and had me check it before starting … it was the first time I’d seen your dates like that … your birth date and your death date.

And now I say things like, it’s in memory of my late husband. I know we weren’t married and we weren’t ever going to get married because we’d been there done that, but … if I’m a widow now, you’re my late husband.

God I miss you. So much, Babes. So fucking much.