Resentful? in 2014

I don't know what to do guys. Miley is in a place right now that I feel like I'd do more damage leaving and throwing her whole world upside down right now. If you don't remember, this is how it all started. Him quitting his job last year and never being around anymore. Like, I want to try and keep things as normal as possible until shes out of this stage. I just want her to heal from last year before I make things shitty again I guess.

I know this isn't helping either though, obviously she can pick up on my stress right? Even if we don't say anything around her, she can likely feel it.

This weekend was the final thing for me I think when it comes to me trusting him with anything. I know I can't depend on him anymore. I know I can't count on him anymore, and I know he doesn't respect my job. Or me. He DOES however provide for us and keep a home for us etc, but thats not where being a father ends. I hate men that think that! They go to work, and they pay for the mortgage, insurance, truck etc so thats all they have to do. Hes a great provider for his kids and a very hard worker and never late, never misses a day EVER. And I commend him for that! Hes amazing in that sense. But I need more, the kids need more...

Is it always going to be like this though? Is the man in my life always going to act like this? Is he going to man up as a father if I leave? Is he going to drop off the planet and cause more pain? Is he going to try and take the kids from me? Is he going to just show up when he pleases? Is he going to be a shitty father when I do drop them off with him? There are so many things to worry about. At least if I'm here and around, I can watch how he parents, correct him if I need to, help him and lead him or pretty much take care of everything myself, lets be honest. If I'm not here, hows it going to be? Like... is he going to step up because he has to? Or is he going to be the same? Is he going to be worse? Is he going to resent them? ....

SO MANY things to think about... this is why I haven't up and left yet, because I'm trying to sort a billion things out in my head. I know its easy to tell me to leave, but its not that easy for my family. I mean of course the ideal thing would be for everything to work out and us to be together and just live in peace and raise the kids but thats just not happening.

For now I will just live. I will take care if my kids and expect nothing of him besides a roof over my head. And who knows what will happen. I just know things will never be the same between us, even if somehow he turns into the perfect man, because this past year of our lives has really hit me hard and I can't forget everything that has happened. I guess I resent him.

Kristen <3