Gomer Pyle! Whats The Matter? Forget Your Fuckin' Name? in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

I'm reminded of the film Full Metal Jacket. Specifically the scene in which drill sergeant actor R. Lee Ermy is humiliating Vincent D'Onofrio's character of Leonard aka Gomer Pyle by making him march along side the men,. hat turned backwards, holding his rifle by the barrel with the butt of the gun resting on his shoulder, pants around his ankles while sucking his thumb.

ADHD is a pain in the ass. I'm all over the place every day. I'm having some trouble at work. This is a career that takes years to learn. You never stop learning actually. But I was taking my time trying to get things going while on my own...jobs started to pile up. Eventually they sent one of the guys back down to help me. I keep feeling like this shit isn't setting in...some is...some isn't. It usually turns out to be some different stuff I've not ran before that sets me back. Speed comes with practice as I get better I'm told. Unfortunately you get SOME training then basically thrown into the deep end.

It feels as if I'm starting to come apart at the seams again. Yesterday I could have easily cracked. Today not so bad but just as annoying. Every bad though, situation, comes roaring back.

"You're stupid." "You're fucking up." "You're slow."

See...I was a special education student. For my one Australian reader, here in the U.S. I was fed some line from an early age that I have a, "learning disability." That term in itself is an oxymoron. I had a lot of classes with reduced work. Taught usually a grade below what I was supposed to be. Then I get into high school and they tell me, "Whoops! You've never needed special education classes at all!"

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and Tourette's Syndrome.

I've been called stupid. Retarded. Slow.

I have a lot of pent up anger as well as self doubt that has grown exponentially

I was tested every year in school. I'm not sure as to why I was kept in the program. It was eighth grade when my special ed English teacher told me I tested at a college reading level to which I replied, "Then why am I here?"

A whole life time of being treated second class from peers and certain family members and people wonder why I'm so bitter.

So when I start to mess up...or get behind...suddenly I'm Leonard "Gomer Pyle" with my pants down, thumb in mouth. I've tried to put it out of my head. Try hard not to think about it. But all I've done my whole life is beat myself up. I hate it. I really do. I can't control it. This is a lot of the reason that lead to the alcoholism.

I've been craving the bottle badly the last two days because of unwanted stress and my past haunting me. I think sitting down and typing this out finally is helping some. I really need to learn not to be so hard on myself when I get stressed out, to relax and go with the flow. I just don't know how.

Lastly, I'm reminded of Eddie Murphy in the roll of Billy Ray Valentine from the film Trading Places. The limo ride to his first day of work. When doubting himself, the butler Coleman offers up the reassuring, "Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens they can't take that away from you."

I need to ease up and live by that.

Last updated June 20, 2014