Will a Fosse neck do it? in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

While cleaning up my hard drive to prepare for the new school year, which starts in 10 days (yikes!), I found the downloaded copy of my blog from 20 years ago.

I was reading it and I can see in-between the lines specific moments where I was traumatized, trying to cope with things that were happening to me. The question I had, as I re-examined my own process, did those things happen to me or did I make them happen?

I’m asking this question because it’s Friday… I didn’t know that when I woke up this morning. I had a fever and went to bed Tuesday night and woke up on Friday. Now, that is a very common symptom of my disease. I would sleep for days on end quite often and I learned that it was because I wasn’t taking care of myself… So is this something I caused or is it something that happened to me?

For the first time, I’m actually considering the reality that I’ll have to go back to California. If I can’t manage this, or get it under control, I’ll be unable to do my job and be forced to return to the US. There, I will probably go back to being disabled and unemployed while I wait for some kind of tipping point.

20 years ago, I was worrying about some boy in the play I was doing. I felt ridiculous and I felt shame… Not that much has changed. Now I’m just 20 years older, on the other side of the world. It’s amazing how the more things change, the more things stay the same.