Nausea in 2023

God I feel sick. So sick.

Is this grief too? I learned that there’s a difference between grief & bereavement. Idk wtf the difference is, you’re still gone.

I ate half a chicken breast and some rice yesterday. I’m trying. I am. I know I have to eat but I just can’t … I can’t.

The house is trashed. Well, the kitchen is anyways .. the kids have been making food to try to get me to eat, and they still suck at cleaning up after themselves.

I feel so sick. But there’s nothing to throw up. I know that. And even if I threw up, I would still feel sick, you are still gone.

How do I make this stop? How? In bed at night, I just read all the things I can find about sudden heart attacks and bereavement to see if there’s some magic phrase or article or or or mathematical equation that would make all this make sense.

I don’t understand .. in the universe’s way of things, I don’t understand. After everything .. everything .. to finally have my happy ending, and just .. have it all taken away. Why?

So then I read and read and research .. all night .. what did I do wrong? How do I fix it so you’ll come back? Why did the universe punish you by taking you? Why why why. Why.

I just feel so sick.