Let Go and Let Go in Current Events

I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my phone. I’ve never liked that others have direct access to me 24/7. My relationship with the socials always becomes toxic. I need to detox from my phone again because I am unable to find balance with it. I scroll endlessly through my feeds until my eyes bleed. That is what is keeping me up. The solutions are all simple but not easy.

I came across a quick tarot card reading for Capricorn and the theme of it was Letting Go. That is exactly what I need to do. I am still butt hurt about being robbed of an equal opportunity at work. It still haunts me at night. I carry it around with me when I am at work. I can’t make it right or better I have to let it go.

This roommate situation of mine. I let it eat me alive all day long most days. This one is not one that I can simply let go of. I have to confront her. I need to let go of being a little bitch, at least.

I mentioned that I am in my procrastination/avoidance setting but I couldn’t figure out what it is that I am avoiding. My phone addiction and my useless purchases are just me desperately creating a false sense of control. This means that my fear is in control. The pain is not happening when I am radically distracted. I need to let myself be vulnerable and rumble with shame. I need to process my feelings and transmute them. I need to create changes where changes need to be made. I need balance, boundaries and discipline.

As I was pulling up to my apartment yesterday, I was wondering about what else I needed to let go of. I learned several years ago that all I mastered was pretending that the pain isn’t happening. We are not hurting when we are drunk, high, hooking up, eating junk food, binging shows, making dumb purchases, having those affairs, etc. Am I over Tyler? Rourke? Childhood traumas? Or did I just bury it? I am gaslighting myself. It’s a talent.

I need to think long and hard about why I am holding on to these things. Why I am afraid to let go of them? On the surface, I don’t want to start a new job. I don’t want my roommate to want to move out because I can’t afford this apartment on my own. When I dig a little deeper, I don’t want my employers to win by me quitting them. I want to punish everybody who is taking me for granted. I have a Scorpio Mars after all.

It was hard to let go of the restaurant job I had for 13 years. It has been crossing my mind recently as well. What they did to me. What Karamjeet did. I’m getting angry about it just thinking about it. I’m not over it.

I still have PTSD from the lockdowns. I’ve never processed that either.

I have a lot to contemplate today. On top of being proactive and productive. At least I have the opportunity.