Because he's mortal, but the memories we make aren't. in 1st

I think I ruin everything. This is the thing I've been dying to say to Jim. This is the string of FB messages I just sent him. While I am home alone and feeling like getting things out of the way that need to be done. This is the last downfall:

So as much as I hate it, I've been thinking. You apologized and said if you explained everything that we would have been there all night. I know there are things I did that were not in the right either and no apologize are needed but .....when I said that the only other person who I thought had been through more with you was you're wife you seemed to think that Eric was our main thing?!? Honestly that had me the most confused so I feel the need to set you up with a few things the way I saw them...see them....forgive this...you're mortality has me feeling a bit exposed...if that's the word I'm thinking of it should make scenes....

Ok so....though Eric is the time I met you and was the first reason we parted I feel you have forgotten anything else. Somehow we managed to cross paths a second time in which somehow I reminded you of an ex for a second time at it seemed to much for you to handle....I imagine that Your wife was actually the ex in question even then. The third time....I had just started seeing Randy and though I explained that I was seeing someone we fell into much of the same comfort we had before. You lived in that apartment out past Save a lot then...and it was the most comfortable place. One of very few places I recall being myself and being happy with life.

Mistakes were made. I was weak and I expected that things would fall into place on their own...they didn't but through some tough choices you assured me you would be there. As stupid and young as we were I didn't realize "you'll have to learn how to spell my last name" was more than because the child I was hypothetically asking about would have your last name....not me...

Choices were made regrets were had and when I lost the child at12 weeks you did that disappearing thing you did....ok I get it by that time I was married and I saw that as you agreeing that you had no place in my life. I needed you then though it was a year before I figured out why. Randy was mean in a way no woman should deal with. I was not good enough....and after we had been married about a year our paths crossed again. You were a great friend who walked me back to sanity.

Made me feel as if I was worth someone's time and attention. I felt wanted though there was not a sexual overtone to this connection...I felt so sure of this that we had considered running away together. It was my choice to do what I thought was right and take some time away from you, but when I needed a confirmation on how strong I could be you were nowhere to be found...not for me anyway.

I made it! I recalled mistakes. Feelings for you that I regretted not expressing properly. I fueled myself up with what might have beens and what I would never haves. I was able to leave but I was more worthless then ever before. I was a wreck, lost my job only weeks after leaving randy. Then, there you were. Just a simple hello passed through my brother at his place of work. I was encouraged to reconnect by his wife and to disconnect by you're at the time very messed up girlfriend.

I got a job there and we did connect very strongly. A lot more wrongs done that don't need to be apologized for. I watched you be scared and wanted to protect you so badly. I wanted to offer you a wide open door to run to. There were many days you would tell me you were coming to see me and I would sit here waiting, ending the day in anger and dissapointment. It was never about the sex for me Jim. Though I'm not going to lie I loved time alone with you. More deep conversation and feeling like you were mine if only for a little while.

That had to come to an end. You quit the job and disappeared again. Ok fine. You're turn to choose someone else over me. I understood. That was that...we moved on...Until ...there you were in my brothers yard confessing love. I cried because that is all I had wanted from you ever and it came at a time when I couldn't in what is right accept that love. I moved to Colorado to be with someone I thought loved me only to be again made to feel as though I wasn't good enough while receiving emails of encouragement. I started feeling that there was something better waiting back in TN. When it was over I came home.

I was bruised, you stated that you were as we'll and I thought we were easing into something real. Something we would always have. Until we tried to add that sexual element back into the mix and you wanted something I was not willing to do. I would have never hurt you. It was out of the question for me, after watching how she had messed you up, I just couldn't. You didn't get it and bolted.

Still friends but you were telling people you were gay so you wouldn't have to be with me is something I was told btw....

Whatever... I was ready to be with some I needed affection and did one of the dumbest things I ever did and had a one night stand...then told you as my gay best friend....man were you ever hurt. I didn't see it then but years later. Learning more about life. So where you feel like you have things to apologize for so do I but I do not feel as though you have as many.

There were faked attempts at friendship hurtful jabs in front of friends because I was the one in the wrong and you were so hurt.....then when steph left Scott....that was it...

Occasionally, I would see you and my heart would leap up in my throught. I would swear my face has turned white a few times and it would cause me to recall those what ifs to get me down for weeks. Dreams of what you might say if I confessed everything....made up mind games.

Games I played to get me through to where my mind should be as each time I saw you randomly it got easier. I honestly don't think that before thanksgiving 2 years ago I could manage more than a hello that felt hollow and forced. Throught dry and swollen.

Is

...... Heard you got married and I cried. Found out from Emily...who also hadn't really talked to me since steph left....cried because somehow I had thought that someday, someday we would be friends again and with my previous experience with you're now wife I couldn't imagine that to be a possibility.

Was hurt that we weren't even friends...that I didn't know....that you had and lost a child...was amazed at how much it hurt....I'm sorry for all this Jim

I'm sorry that I still care and still miss being great friends. I'm sorry that I over think everything I say to you....I'm sorry for this heavy mother load of fb messages....I'm sorry for the letter. I'm sorry for holding on. I'm sorry you got hurt I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you. I'm sorry I still love you. I'm sorry we both love others. I'm sorry I want friendship in a time where you need so much. I'm sorry for the wrong I have done by your wife. My selfish nature...and for apologizing for it lol

If you died before reading this....I ....I would carry it with me to my grave like the pushing festering slew of emotions it has been.....I would say damn me for being weak but believe me I live with it..... I expect a response in a few days....anything would be nice. Just to know you saw it, that you understand in some way. I will be in MI after Thursday until the 11th with a great friend who cares so if ya got something to say that would be good timing....and we've been very bad at that...would be a nice change lol