I'm scared in 2023

Is fear a part of grief? Is this part of missing you? Why am I afraid? Of living without you?
This isn’t living.
This is mearly existing.
I take breaths because my body is on auto-pilot but I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want to be here without you.
But I will be. I have to be. For my babies. Who aren’t babies anymore, they’re all grown up and comforting me in this depth of agony.
I don’t blame you. I’m not mad at you for leaving me. I know you wouldn’t have if you’d known. I know you would have done everything in your power to stay with me.

Why couldn’t I save you? Why didn’t I wake up? Did you need me? Why didn’t I fucking wake up?! You were looking at me. When you died you were looking at me. When I shook you and begged and screamed for you to wake up, you just looked at me. And you didn’t wake up.

Babes. Babes. Please wake up. Please.