Long discussion in 2014

July first, something shocking happened.

I talked to Amber. We talked a lot. I don't even remember how it started. I didn't sleep much that night. I've also been sick since. Stress. Simply put, I told her everything. I hadn't planned on it. I hadn't even come close to planning on it. But it just worked. For the first time in years, maybe ever, she was ready to listen, and she wanted to hear. Amazingly, she agreed with everything. Even more amazingly, she admitted that she has feelings for me.

However, she still has a boyfriend.

And now, more than ever, she needs a person who can be there for her emotionally.

So, what's to be done? There's a part of me that wants to be dramatic and loving and say, "Go for it! Make it work!" But, that's nothing I've really been able to do before. I'm bad at getting involved in relationships, especially with high stakes. This would be very high.

Part of me wants to back off entirely and just get out while I can. I've said my piece. We can be together, or we can be nothing. Now that the prospect of actually having a relationship is before me, the nothing is sounding a lot more appealing. Especially because, like with Amanda, the failure option is so there, and will be such a disaster.

Part of me wants to wait and see what happens, but the uncertainty here is really getting to me. If for no other reason than because by making her aware of her feelings for me, I've damaged the relationship she's currently in. Who's to say what'll happen?

But, there's that part of me that also says, "You know what? You've been scared of real relationships your whole life. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to go for one and to try and make it work." But I don't know. Again, it's not me I'm worried about. Well, it is. It's just me letting her down. And her getting hurt. And me not being there to support her. She needs it. Am I in a position to give it to her?

I guess that I wonder what on earth it all comes down to. It's like what they say. Nobody's ever ready to become a parent. Is anybody ever really ready to start a relationship? Maybe when you're both kids. I'm old enough now that things have to be a bit more serious. I can't keep fawning over teenagers forever.

I don't know.

This has broken me out of my lethargic cold distant shell, but it's done so while inhibiting my ability to function. Stomach is the worst it's been in month and the anxiety is getting to be overwhelming.

No freaking clue.