Lesser in Current Events

It’s a high-anxiety kind of day. I became painfully self-aware that I am not in my purpose. I’m not even doing anything to bring myself closer to it. I want to feel like I have the universe on my side but I don’t. I’m not allowed to just get things in life. I’m not allowed to keep what I get either—just obstacle after obstacle and loss after loss. My birth chart even says so with my moon, mars and pluto in the sixth house.

My mind will not stop tearing me down. Every insecurity has bubbled up to the surface. A lesser version of myself would drink until I forget that the pain is happening but noooo. I have to rumble with these inner dramas and upsets or else things just get worse. It’s hard to have faith right now.

I have been fighting with myself to stay home today. I stopped lying to myself that I am not self-sabotaging. I am avoiding my life. Every fibre of my being wants to drive around and go shopping for things for my apartment. That is the last thing that I should be doing! My anxiety attack was triggered by the indecisiveness of my friends in our group chat. I’m the decisive one in the group but I am just not in the mood for it today. I pulled out of the plans and told them to have a good time. I’m going on a social detox because I have a lot that I need to figure out right now.

[TMI Warning]
That group chat was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Right before that, I was trying to have a prostate orgasm with my p-spot massager and my massager wand but that didn’t happen. Nothing happened. I couldn’t stop needing to void my bladder. It got to the point where I was convinced that I was now impotent because I couldn’t.. well you get the point.

Frustrated as I was feeling, I decided it would be productive to try and make some content for the socials. Just a trial run to get myself used to hearing my voice and seeing myself on camera. Fuck I hate my voice and my acne scars. Filters can only do so much lol. I had decided to not leave the house but I didn’t want to waste my hair looking decent for once. The cluster b couple upstairs are going at it again so I wasn’t able to concentrate. I still can’t concentrate. Why are people like this!? I also couldn’t shake the feeling of my roommate coming home while I was talking to myself in my room. Then the thought of her being home with me all weekend made my stomach hurt. I now have a headache. Why can’t I be inspired to do things on the other days when she is not here?! Three mornings in a row now she managed to set me off internally. I am going to talk to her about her cleaning up after herself because I feel like a lesser version of myself would be domestically violent. She leaves the sink and counter full of coffee grinds for me to clean. I can’t stand her childish habits anymore.

I thought I would have a good day because I managed to sleep last night. The osteopath I went and saw wanted me to buy myself a Cranio cradle. It encourages joints to decompress and cramped tense muscles to gently release. However, when I looked up how to use it everybody was making their own out of tennis balls so I made my own also. I used it last night before bed and I managed to fall asleep without tossing and turning. My mind will not stop racing it is what keeps me up. When it’s not the cluster b assholes upstairs screaming and throwing things. The police visited them last weekend but they’re still up to being pathetic losers.

My mind is going in circles right now. I’m now fatigued. Fuck I am so annoying. Annoying yourself is a talent.

I envisioned a lesser version of myself multiple times today. I think I need to reverse that and envision a higher version of myself. What would that guy do in these situations? I think I’ll go for a walk and do some serious contemplating.

I think I woke up in a delicate mood because of a dream I had last night. First of all, I’m still having vivid dreams every single night and nap ever since I quit coffee. Yesterday, I was thinking about driving out to visit my sister who is pregnant. In my dream, I made a nasty comment to her boyfriend. I can’t even remember what it was but I felt bad about it. He walked away just deflated and hurt. I can’t just hurt people anymore without hurting myself. I don’t think highly of this man and he knows it. He is an addict who keeps relapsing. Addicts are parasitic. He almost died at one point and while he was fighting for his life I was disturbed by my inner hope that he wouldn’t make it because that is the only way my sister will be free of him. Now she is having a baby with him and he is going to be a permanent part of lives. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but it is hard. This man is not a victim, he has a weak character and makes bad choices and I’m the villain for saying so while everyone else coddles him.

Whatever! I just needed to vent. Nobody knows what to say whenever I open up to them so I just take it out on here and suffer in silence IRL.

Watching myself on camera wasn’t so bad, I just wish I sounded more animated. That will come when I get more comfortable. Of course, the censorship bill in my country is being passed and TikTok is being banned in the US so it’s just more obstacles. More things I can’t have.

I will not feel sorry for myself I will not feel sorry for myself I will not feel sorry for myself

Oh! I cannot stop thinking about the place I went to get that massage from that osteopath. It’s in the whitest part of the city and the way everybody was talking in there was so culty. It gave me chills right down to the bone. We all have a customer service persona and voice but this was something else. I think they were all going for calm and relaxing but they served up white shaman culty realness. Speaking of white shamans, I have been listening to this man’s channel for weeks now. It’s relaxing.