Weeping in Torridaussity Two

I describe my night as being a weepy one. I only worked a half day today and have relaxed the rest of the day which was nice because last week was so tough and although I had a little time off, it is still hard to process that grandma isn't here anymore. I have been torturing myself watching I found the gown and say yes to the dress and seeing everyone so happy and in love is wonderful I cry for joy for them and then I cry out of sadness because if I ever do get married my grandmothers won't be there and one of my grandfather's won't be for sure and prb both of them, and my uncle won't be here and then I worry what if if my parents won't be here. I get to thinking of all the negative things and I cry and cry and cry. I know I am still healing from the pain, but I do get sad thinking about the future and what I might miss out on. I should, I know, focus on what I do have and what I will have, it's just hard right now. I am proud of myself I made a promise that I wouldn't contact one of the men in my life who let me down over this, claiming to care about me and only checking in once to see how I was doing and not actually even talk to me just leave me an im. I haven't written him and I don't plan on it, if he writes to me I will be polite and respond, but I am done letting him use me. Clarity has hit me hard with him and I am done. He didn't truly care the way he said he did or made me believe he did. If he did he would be making sure I am ok and I must say two of the other guys really did show that to me, checking on me several times to see if I was okay, but I also know that there is nothing more that can come from them other than friendship and again I am moving on. I deserve real love and commitment and none of the possibilities in my life offer me that. I am going to bed now, hopefully done with the crying. In other sad news all my grand bunnies were killed by something and so I lost them too.