Adult Children of in Journal

Emotionally Immature Parents
needs a re-read.

I have drafted a few letters to FIL only to discard them all. None of them were good. Either I went on too long explaining my stuff while pointing out that he doesn’t care to know about my stuff cough, oxymoron, or I write stark and judgy conclusions about his shitty parenting. None of that is productive, let alone consistent.
And, I hate that DH suffers emotional neglect and is faced with a bullying tyrant of a father if he so much as raises an eyebrow. We have spoken at length about what value his family (extended aunts uncles cousins, etc) brings vs the value of finding new people via church or other principled organization. The value of family of course is immense and hard to measure or match. There is something about genetic proximity that garners motivation toward goodwill; the in-group preference. But the downside is the sliding off or draining away of principled interest. Ie, the adherence to the universal principles that would otherwise bind a group of people together. It does not have to be one or the other. But the blood ties does seem to lead most families down the road of ever declining quality in adhering to consistent principles since the seduction of using need, childhood bonding, resource provision, etc, is so powerful.
I want to write a letter, or talk to FIL But why?
I want to know if there is any chance at all of better behavior. His behavior thus far has been atrocious. And when confronted on it, he retreats into defensive name-calling, posturing, guilt-trips, and pathetic pleading. So this needs to stop, obviously. His behavior is outlandishly immature and intolerable. Can it improve? So far, no. And the best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.
So I already know the answer.
I have a desire for grandparents for my children. They have none, atm. Blood grandparents, sure. But in action, or deed, none at all.
I wish DH had a strong, competent, virtuous older man to look up and call Father. But he doesn’t. That role is completely empty for him. And that breaks my heart, too.

So I suppose that is why my conscious is telling me church is the way to find what I’m looking for. Even though I’m an atheist. Even though DH’s family is religious. Not all churches are the same.

I think I will write the letter to list my standards. Even though he didn’t ask. Even though he doesn’t care. Even though he behaves terribly. It might explain to DH whatever excuse FIL has to not behave well. And that could bring him some closure.