Cold Rainfall in Journal 2023

I’m skipping school tomorrow.

I read his comments about me. How I treated him like a animal, how I didn’t value him as a human being. I had no energy to cry, I have no doubts he’s correct. I kind of…walked into the shower, showered, laid in bed and grabbed this to write. I feel like I should give myself a break, I should be happy. I’m so happy. I’m so overjoyed. I feel everything. I feel nothing. I’m just happy my mind wasn’t lying to me, everyone is just. I don’t have any description at the moment apologies.

I scratched at my skin reading over and over. I felt it hurt. I felt my chest tighten and my eyes never watered. I just smiled and felt it all enter my being. I want to be upset, I expected to be in bed holding a teddy bear sobbing. But im just here. Dressed, silent, happy, overjoyed, destroyed, decaying, here. I am just ready to go to bed, skip class to sleep and descend further into this joy.

I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never felt ooverwhelmed. My legs are tingling and my chest hurts worse than when I had my infection. I can’t even cry, I can’t. I’m just accepting it and processing.