Cross Post in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 3- Fallout, Pain, Acceptance, and Perseverance

I haven’t done a true cross post in a long time! I’m not sure if I will actually put this in my other space or not… especially as I have ideas for TWO cross posts and both of them may be of such an adult nature that I only put them here.

There was a thought that formed. A single thought. A strange, and as it turned out, inaccurate thought.

“I have never had sex with a woman who was not married.”

Now, as I said… it is an inaccurate thought. I had sex with the woman who is now my ex-wife before we were wed. BUT it is true that I had already proposed to her. Granted… I proposed to her many times throughout the years until (after 5 years of dating) she said yes. So… I had sex with her after proposing.... after knowing I wanted her to be my wife. So.... that is my existence. I had sex with a woman whom I wanted to marry… who I did marry.... whom I divorced. I had sex with Victoria… a married woman living a polyamorous lifestyle. I had sex with Essen… a married woman going through a divorce living a polyamorous lifestyle. Therefore, in earnest truth.... perhaps the phrase could be “I have never had sex with a woman who was unmarried that I did not intend to wed.”

An earlier version of myself would review that sentence with pride. An earlier version of myself would review that sentence with disgust. An earlier version of myself would review that sentence with massive confusion. I had sex with married women who were not married to me. A basic understanding of general ethics and broad Karma would therefore say it is quite appropriate indeed that I’ve not really had a mutually romantic encounter since my divorce. Per the traditional rules, laws, and ethics… I am a beast. A monster. A creature that beds the wives of others. Someone that deserves a life of loneliness for what I have done to the sanctity of marriage… a sanctity I do still respect as I do honestly hope to one day remarry and fully dedicate myself to the fidelity of that marriage! And then… the thought continues and deepens. TECHNICALLY, the legalities around my separation and divorce are.... well, what they are. We got separated, she immediately basically shacked up with a guy… then asked me to expedite the divorce because she wanted to officially live with him… I did what I could given The Courts and COVID… and I think the divorce itself was actually official and proper in February or March of 2021. Which I bring up because if those numbers are correct? There is another thing to say.....
Except for the premarital sex with the woman who became my wife… I have never had sex when I wasn’t married. And from that perspective, my “body count” of 3 is even more confusing. lol.

But, it is things like this that make me think. Hell, rehearsing the play today? I was inhuman. Literally. “Why aren’t you reacting to that?! That’s your wife making out with her lover in front of you!” Eliciting the response, “Oh. Right. I should… be… angry? Confused? Disgusted?” All the while thinking, “What is the proper Human response?” And that’s where I am these days. In the last 72 hours, I have sent “Hi there! Comment based on your profile. Open ended question acting as follow up?” to an additional 14 women on EHarm. 1 instantly sent the “official goodbye rejection”… the other thirteen? More of the… If I ignore it, it’ll go away approach.

I don’t know. Truth is, i started writing this post several days ago when I was thinking about labels, relationships, and Karma. I’m… from a narrow perspective… a very bad man. I had sex with women that were not my wife. I had sex with women who were otherwise married. But the truly honest realistic genuine thing of it all? Polyamory changes things. Divorce changes things. Separation changes things. But considering what’s happened since? I’m not saying this at all but there is a superstitious part of me that wonders…
I was infinitely more confident, and therefore attractive, when I was with Essen. To the point where, despite Victoria saying she was finished… as soon as she saw how I was around Essen, she changed her mind! (At least verbally, nothing between us ever happened again; but she did suggest it should after seeing how I was with Essen.) Is there something similar just regarding being legally and officially married? Do we truly and honestly live in a world where, if I simply let my wife live outside of the house, dating and fucking whomever she wanted… I might have somehow increased my own chances at relationships and sex? Do we really live in that world where, “I’m married” becomes a panty-dropper? Frankly, even if it were, that wouldn’t have been enough to convince me to not get divorced. Alternatively if I’m being honest… alternatively if I knew things with Essen would have gone better and/or things with Raven could have gotten involved were I still married? I might have more passionately argued to my wife some Open Marriage situation. But, as I’ve often said, I know exactly why she wasn’t open to that. And it also highlights why our marital problems were what they were since she understood me. Emotions, connection, intimacy, romance, and sex. All of those are tied up, overlapping, joined concepts to me. She never wanted me to get any of those things met outside of the marriage, because she knew that would be the end of the marriage. YET she wasn’t willing to provide any of those things in the marriage.

ANYWAY, this entry originally started from a perspective of ironic contemplation how my sexual life has been “married women” and/or “when I was married” more or less. And how I feel ashamed, surprised, and confused by the truth of it. Some of my readers used to say, “You just need an unconnected shag. Just a… fuck for fun. The closest you got was Victoria and that certainly wasn’t ‘no strings, no mess.’ You need to see if you even can have fun if there isn’t something deeper.” Well… to that I say the same as pretty much everything else on this topic....

I’m on the dating apps. I’m in the community. 98.999% of the time, I can’t even get someone to message me back. Let alone a coffee date or a No-Strings shag. I really do genuinely think, wonder, and worry if… what happened with Essen really is the last for heart or body for me.