Dark Spot in Current Events

My mind went to a very dark place last night. Toni and I started a series called Your Honor last night. The pilot was just an endless series of unfortunate events for one of the characters and I concluded that I would have jumped off a bridge if I was in his shoes. The level of stress would have just consumed me fully. Once my mind got the idea of that sweet surrender, it tried to get fixated on that. I didn’t let it.

Today is another day of feeling the weight of academic pressure. I failed to study three days in a row. I know that the fight is just going to be too much. I am really contemplating dropping this physics course. I am just not math intuitive. The hard part is not the formulas it is all of the calculations that I need to do on the fly to get the numbers for those formulas. I have to use my own discernment. I didn’t take pre-calculus, I didn’t take grade 11 physics, and it’s been twenty years since I have had to do anything like this. I just don’t have much working for me here. I’m overwhelmed. There are resources, I can train like a mathlete I don’t have to give up I just want to be free from this stress and pressure.

I am taking my grandmother grocery shopping today. Then at some point, my sister wants me to help her pick up her car from the shop. It’s just on the other end of the city. I feel like that is too much pressure when it is not. Whenever my heart feels heavy, everything feels as though it is crushing me. It feels as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders when it isn’t even close.

I didn’t wake up thinking about normal things. I remembered that I had mentioned Andrew Tate in a previous entry. Just about how I liked that young men have someone to look up to that can inspire them to be the best version of themselves, whatever that looks like to them. I’m old folk now, I’m not looking up to anybody. What I was remembering this morning, was how young men, at the restaurant I worked at for 13 years, would turn me into an older brother figure. Whenever they were alone with me, they would open up to me. They would tell me what was on their minds, what was weighing on their hearts, and what was going on in their lives.

It was a privilege but it was interesting to see them turn into somebody completely different once they were in a group. There is no room for vulnerability. The self-right wants us to believe that women are too emotional and hormonal to make decisions. Yet, it is men that disproportionately commit assault, murder, and suicide. It is men that disproportionately prey on women and children. This is what poor management of one’s emotions and hormones looks like to me. Not PMS. The self-right does not want men to present as vulnerable.

I remember what that pressure used to feel like. The pressure to be a man, a provider, a defender, etc. I don’t owe anybody anything and I wanted nothing to do with it. I just want to be the best version of myself. It was easier for me to let go of that pressure because I had other things to accept about myself. Letting go of it all was a huge relief.

There is an area in one’s psyche that needs to be developed. We need to express emotions to learn how to manage them. To learn how to grow from them. I’m generalizing here but I notice that men become almost feral when they lose control. Just an observation. I never gave it any thought until Toni and I watched the Woodstock 99 documentary. It was vile and profane behaviour that had real-life consequences for others. On the other hand, I can also see what the far left is doing to this thing we call masculinity and I do understand why it can be a problem. Of course, I have a more zoomed-out view and I can see how both sides are being used to grow the government. It is what it is.

I still say that the revolution we need is one that can only be internalized. We are trying to expand into things that do not exist in reality.

Speaking of reality, there is a book that I want and I want it badly. It was only available in PDF which is not ideal for me. I was contemplating getting it and printing it and then doing a whole situation but now it is available in paperback. It’s almost twice the price now and I don’t want to spend that kind of money right now. I can see myself doing it. It has a lot of images that the author drew which is why I wanted it on paperback. The book is called Hearth. The Christian Bible is Egyptian and it uses allegory to teach physics and then some. The author stripped away the allegories and just explains the sciences. That is exactly the way I like my information. To the point. It would take a Capricorn to do just that, which is what the author is. Just like myself. Fuck it, I’ll just order it. I do have a gift card, what a perfect gift idea for myself.

Anyway, on with my day, I suppose.