Thoughts in Journal

The violence of today is a pernicious shadow of the past.

PT therapist (T) told me about her family a bit. Her husband taking her kids out to see his sister and mom. And T didn’t mind not going because her husband like to spend time with his family of origin alone “since they were so close”. And of course the kids were his so his mom wanted to see them. She further mentioned that the husband’s sister was married, too. But, that the sister’s husband was so quiet and kept to himself so much it’s like he isn’t there anyway.
Hm.
I didn’t say anything. But the whole story felt wrong.
I reflected that I would never allow people to bond with my children who didn’t love, support and celebrate me. Since no one can love my child more than they love me- my children are a product of and dependent on the integrity of my (and DH’s) values. And I am a living manifestation of those values. It’s a simple logical step, but culture and families obscure it.
And, upon waking today I had the insight about why the story felt wrong. It is a kind of hatred to ostracize someone. But when that someone is your spouse… It’s… Well, idk what it is. It’s saying that the person you cherish, chose, and love about all else is just not wanted.
It would be violent to ostracize someone who was more assertive. It would be verbal abuse to tell a vocal person he is unwelcome. Yet for the quiet, and the avoidant, no obvious or outward violence or abuse is observed. It’s simply inherent.

I watched a self described autist incel talk about his hyper obsessions and misery. I felt intrigued because I think I understand what is happening. But sad that this young man and possibly many more like him, have no ability to find help and it’s more than likely that it’s too late for them anyway.
What I think is happening for this young man in particular is an inability or an unwillingness to handle stress. Problems pile up for everyone. And autist incels are no different in that regard. Problems that are avoided create huge amounts of mental and emotional stress. If intellectual honesty isn’t an important value honed early in life, then the default is avoid. Avoidance is particularly horrible because problems pile up in every facet of life until there is only a few or even just one topic idea or ideology that can be focused on with any relative comfort. Hence the hyper obsession.
Ofc the vicious cycle can never be cured without turning into and experiencing the stress that is actively avoided. The symptoms are the manifestation of the persons values.