Existential and Midlife Crisis in Current Events

I’m feeling a little stunned at the moment. I decided to not attend class today. I am considering throwing in the towel altogether. It could go either way. My test is on Wednesday, I still have time to study and turn this around. I know that I am not missing a whole lot. He will introduce a new thing or two from the new unit and spend the rest of the class going over examples at a painful messy pace. I have been teaching myself from the internet anyway.

I discovered what has been plaguing my mind, otherwise. It’s simple and basic. I already know that my depression is a symptom of belief systems dying within me. When I enter a new paradigm my mind has to grieve the old one. My mind has to go through all of the stages of grief to get to acceptance.

My body is changing. It is aging. I’m not in my prime. Technically, I am middle-aged. The average lifespan is not 100. That average is only shrinking because nobody wants to learn the true cause of disease. This isn’t a midlife crisis I am experiencing. I had that during my Saturn return a few years ago. I’m old people now. My appearance is changing, my mind is changing, my personality is changing, etc. A lot of it is for the better. I’m working hard on all three. Mind, body and soul.

I have to go through all of the stages of grief here. Denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and then finally acceptance. Piece of cake. Not really but I finally have context for what I am experiencing. I’m not so confused. I think my struggle with this physics class made me feel out of touch enough to trigger a necessary existential crisis. Comparison is the thief of joy, yes. I am comparing myself to everybody else in my class who is fresh out of high school and so the material is easier for them.

Comparison can give the gift of self-pride also. I look around at other people my age all of the time and… I don’t want to get into it.

Though I am considering dropping my physics class, I am still working toward my naturopath goals. This one was just filler while I waited impatiently for the chemistry class that I wanted. They offered to let me take grade 12 chemistry but I need to be really good at this one so I insisted that I start with grade 11. I didn’t start with grade 11 applied math and still passed that class. I almost dropped it but I had an amazing teacher. I didn’t take grade 11 physics and now I am struggling really hard with it.

Shelly, my “work mom”, will be pissed if I drop the course. On my way out of work today, Doug randomly said that he was jealous of me for taking this class because he wasn’t smart enough to do it. He’s a senior with special needs. I feel like I would be letting him down also. I didn’t even know he knew that I was taking it.

Speaking of changes. I noticed a year ago that my mind will do a reset after I get sick. I take advantage of it when I can. I will not be connected to anything after and I can choose what I will connect to. I recently got over a cold and I didn’t even think about it. I haven’t been able to connect to my esoteric studies which were my main interests. I feel more like my old self for better or for worse. I think this class and my quitting coffee could have had an influence here. I’m even reading comment sections on my socials again. 9 out of 10 comments are not so bad. I’m not as stoic as I was about the other 1 out of 10 but I can shrug it off. I can’t believe I am addicted to my phone again. I’m improving a lot but it could be better.

I am going to get through this existential crisis. This too shall pass. I don’t know what I would do with myself if I dropped this course. The chemistry course I want is not until September. I was thinking about getting a second job since I am barely getting any hours but then I realized that I can afford to take some risks and create a side gig for myself. I would do that on the wild wild web. Decisions decisions.