Anger. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday went pretty well. My time at my job program went really fast. I talked to my caseworker for about an hour and then after that the day flew by. I got some lunch and came home to relax. I started getting messages from my daughter’s teacher that she was having a rough day talking back and throwing things. I guess at one point she was shouting how no one loved her and that’s when I broke down. I think my daughter is definitely starting to feel that it’s like pulling teeth to see Gramma or my niece. I wish that things could be so different for her. I tell her all the time how much I love her and how she’s my whole world but I know that she needs more than just me.

My caseworker told me that she can tell I’m still very angry. I try so hard not to be but there’s always a reminder that I’m a single Mom. It’s hard not being able to ever plan a night out to recharge my batteries and feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I also struggle with being in pain all the damn time and that I had to reschedule my damn injections. I just want to feel better already. I do have physical therapy on Monday morning but I know it’s going to hurt like a bitch.

I just wish my BD ever considered our child in all this instead of just seeing how angry he is when he has nothing to be angry about. That mf out here living his best life not giving a flying shit about his child. I’m angry that there isn’t more effort made with my family too. It’s hard for me to always find stuff for us to do every weekend and it’s always just her and I. Like today, I’m waiting to see if we are going to get my niece, at least for awhile. My brother loves to say that it’s going to happen and a lot of times it doesn’t and then I get to deal with my daughter being bummed out.

I’m really scared that this situation is never going to get better for either one of us. I see all these other single Mom’s getting to go out and live life and I’m home with my daughter every weekend. I’m just extremely frustrated with everything. I know that I’m not huge on the bar scene as I don’t care to drink but it would be nice to meet up with a friend even once every couple of months to have a drink and just shoot the shit. It’s like no one sees me as an actual human being with needs.

It’s frustrating that single being a Mom, I haven’t had the chance to make or maintain a social life because my kid’s Dad refuses to be a Dad. Sometimes I think about all this and end up sick to my stomach. I’m sorry but it’s not fair that 2 people created a child and 1 gets to lay it all down for a child because someone refuses to put their child first. I’m also pissed that he’s done enough damage that I’ll never trust him with her as well. It’s not a fun feeling knowing you don’t even trust the father of your child to take your kid.

I’m also pissed at how many chances he’s received simply because I felt the need to prove I would take the high road and be the bigger person just to have the same outcome and yet people still didn’t think the shit he did was enough for me to just leave it alone. I feel it’s because it isn’t them or their child to experience this so they don’t care!! I also don’t appreciate when I’ve told people to quit talking to him and then they just keep telling me the shit he says! Just stay out of it!!

I just try to set a good example for my child and make sure she knows how much I love her. Her happiness means the world to me and I feel like I do everything I can to make sure that she’s alright. I do think kids at school tell her negative things and she tends to internalize the bad stuff and forgets the good. I’m just going to keep making sure she knows I love her.