Internal Melodrama in Current Events

I am trying to be mindful of what is going on in my head. It is all over the place. My emotions are all over the place as well. Actually, it’s more like my emotions are nowhere to be found. My heart just feels so heavy and I don’t understand why.

I fell asleep forcing myself to think about things to be grateful for. My roommate, though I’ve had my problems I am grateful for her growth over the last few weeks. This living arrangement is working for me right now. I can afford these reduced hours. Work is going alright also. I’m grateful that they didn’t force me to give my body over to a medical experiment. I just got a raise. I am grateful for my great health. I work really hard to create good health. I am grateful to be in a decent financial situation. I’m not struggling. I am grateful for the good health of my friends and family. There is a lot of love in my life.

All of that toxic positivity and I am still feeling miserable. Why? I don’t know but I’ve been through this before. I was thinking about that Andrew Tate character. I’m an adult, I’m not really looking up to anyone so I haven’t invested any time into what he has to say. I do like that young men have somebody that inspires them to be the best version of themselves. Whatever that looks like to them. What I see, however, is just an ordinary guy with lots of money and nice stuff who says the easy things. I had Jeffree Star for that. That’s not the moral of the story. I just imagine myself in his shoes and I know that I wouldn’t be happy because I’ve been at the top of my game before and I was miserable. I feel like I am at that point again.

After I was done trying some toxic positivity I thought about all of the things I can’t connect to. My passion for everything is gone.

When your body wants food, you feel hungry. When your body wants water, you feel thirsty. When your mind wants to grow… you feel stuck.

I looked around my room and then at my life and I managed to make myself feel so small. On my altar is a tarot deck. I started to learn how to read them a year ago but stopped. On my nightstand is a portfolio of what I want to write an eBook about that I’m ignoring. On the other nightstand is a booklet full of ideas for the socials that is going nowhere. On my dresser is a book that I started over a month ago. I’m only on the first chapter. I have a bookcase full of books I bought since I moved into this apartment that I haven’t started. I read one, just one. Beside my dresser is one of my guitars. I started to take lessons but situations happened and I never picked it up again. In my closet I have art supplies drying up, I haven’t painted in a couple of years. I have a ring light in my closet and a microphone that I bought so I could start making content for the socials. Just another project that I am failing to finish. I feel like I can’t do anything.

The last time that I felt like this was because I wanted to go back to school but my anxiety held me back. I had settled at a job I hated and didn’t want to be a lifer, even though everything was going great. Now here I am finally back in school. I’m fighting to bring myself to study. The material is too hard. I feel like I want to drop the course. I don’t need this one, I just wanted something to fill my time while I wait for the chemistry class I need. I don’t think I could forgive myself if I quit.

It isn’t just school that is bumming me out. I’ve noticed a pattern. I have some behaviours and habits that I am trying to quit. Whenever I do them I feel guilty. I feel let down. I feel betrayed. I’m so dramatic. I’m very hard on myself. I want discipline… and a full head of hair again QQ

I’m aware that my depression stems from change. I have to grieve previous belief structures. I don’t know what I could be grieving this time around. Nothing outside of myself, exactly. It’s all internal. I feel like I lack discipline. I can’t motivate myself and I can’t commit to anything. I feel stuck. I want to do so much but I can’t bring myself to do anything. I spent the whole day in bed, practically. I felt the depression coming but I managed to shake it off and work out a little bit. It hit me anyway. My plans were cancelled this evening which is great. What I want to do is binge-watch something but I got to study.

I did my big “self-care” routine today. Got dolled up enough to leave the house but I can’t bring myself to do it which isn’t a bad thing. I don’t need to go out and spend money today.

What do I need here? What is the opportunity? Do I just need another depression nap? Do I need to put everything down for a minute, figuratively speaking, and evaluate my priorities? Come up with an action plan? Fall into that trap of tomorrow will be the day that I get my life right!

Honestly, I quit coffee almost 40 days ago now and everybody said I would sleep better. That was a lie. My moods would get better. That was a lie. It’s not easy to measure what got better but I know it was the right choice. I can’t blame the coffee anyway. I got a phone addiction now. I need a tech detox. A mental detox. I need better mental hygiene in general. Speaking of mental hygiene, I did detox from politics. I am not keeping my ignorant to what is going on but I don’t like the way things are going and that is not helping with the existential dread. I seem to care what other people think again which is gross. I want to be stoic again but I guess my armour is worn down a bit. Whatever. I’m going to go lay in bed some more.

I think I know what I am going to do to get out of this rut, btw. I think I’m going to give myself a little makeover. If you can’t put your best foot forward put on your best shoe. I will get rid of the platinum blonde and then get a fade and I might even shave my face.