Time Passes in Still Listening to Spirit
- July 8, 2014, 2:07 a.m.
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- Public
Have I anything to write? Yes and no. Fourth of July was rainy, pouring down rain. Fireworks were courtesy of Hamilton Construction who shoots off fireworks each year from his own barge in the harbor in conjunction with the Chamber of Commerce's larger display. No Chamber fireworks this year, no certified technicians to do this, liability issues, you know...
I wasn't in the mood to go out in the heavy, pouring rain this year for the parade. The first I've missed since 1995 if I recall correctly....or maybe I did miss the parade the year I had my surgery.
Bill and I spent the day napping, eating and watching TV. I am reading sporadically but not so involved in the books lately that I can't put them down to do something else.
Bill is getting a wee bit stronger each day and is continuing to build some stamina back, not a lot, but much more than he had a few weeks ago. He spends a bit more time each day in chores. Right now he is bit by bit cleaning some mess in the garage and making some order out of the chaos there that has existed for so long.
I awoke today feeling useless, lazy, handicapped, dull, down. Weather, crappy weather. Too long sitting and doing nothing of importance. Not getting out of the house. My cataract is getting worse and I am having more trouble navigating on foot as my peripheral vision on the right side is nil. Lights and shadow, like looking at my reflection in a mirror after a hot shower---fuzzy stuff.
So, I got dressed, got on the treadmill and walked for 15 minutes at a very low speed. No distance, but my bones and body (and mind) needed stirring. It's the only thing I need to do to begin to crawl out of this whatever-it-is thing.
Oh, and SAD light, need to plug that in and use it too.
Better spirits tomorrow I hope. A return to more normal sleep patterns. I am either sleeping all day, or not sleeping. Either way up until 4am at least, then nap til 5am, then sleep at 9am, awake at noon, back to sleep at 3 to 7.....feels like I just sleep all day.
So, enough of this. Blessed be!
Hillbilly Princess ⋅ July 08, 2014
Hope you feel better soon
ThoughtsAfter ⋅ July 08, 2014
You're possibly worn out from the past few weeks, I'd guess and from being strong for your fellow. That was the case when I fell asleep driving home from the hospital one night, just momentarily, off the road and then back on. Would you consider getting on the usual track, going to sleep at bed time and forcing yourself to stay up during the day? As I'd written music was my assistant in sleeping normally. It would fill my mind and I could just drift off. Not needed now -- actually last night was the first night I couldn't sleep at the appointed time and after I wrote here, I went right to sleep. So important those rhythms.
Came to read what I wrote, and saw your note. I'd be so happy to think it was helpful to you, what poured onto the page of my prosebook last night. It's opened more tears for me but they are not falling apart tears but healing ones. A friend commented recently, "A. when her husband died got so hard, so brittle, but you are going in a different direction, you're still soft and feeling." I never thought of that but it is true. My friend's husband (her second) is 82 and she is 80. I think she's observing for a reason, although she is more likely to go first but both are seriously impaired. They've had more than 30 years together. Fortunate, very loving years after difficult ones with other spouses.
Hoping you can break through the sleep drifts all day long. I know it's possible. Hugs from across the country, and down the Atlantic.
ThoughtsAfter ⋅ July 08, 2014
Some would say that you are getting too close to something true but scary, thus this "whatever is in there" retreat. Think so?
MageB ⋅ July 08, 2014
Thanks for your wonderful comments. Yup, I was going to say to try the light first. :) Me? Put my back out, darn it. Slightly better but going to the doc today.
Everything Good Rebecca ⋅ July 08, 2014
I'm glad Bill is coming back to himself and getting the pleasure of organizing the space he can control. I've noticed men especially being more content when able to do some meaningful work or chores. As for you, getting a bit of time on the treadmill with moving your body and maybe getting the SAD light on both seem like good steps to take. Isn't it interesting that the transitions are sometimes so difficult, especially when they are transitions betweeen stages of life or situations? I'm glad you are still such an inspirational role model despite your discomfort, no matter what it is.
noko ⋅ July 08, 2014
Because the grooves in my mind tend towards depression I find I must be pretty vigilant and I definitely do better with outside human contact and a set schedule. You must be so worn out from all the stress and the transition to not working much after that huge tidal wave of uncertainty. I am sorry you are feeling this way.