Boring in Current Events

Why does my subconscious torture me? I had one of the worst dreams of my life. I love waking up disturbed and haunted, not! I dreamt that I was coming to terms with the loss of both of my sisters. I was living my life, unbothered when it hit me that they were gone. I woke up face to face with an aspect of myself that I do not like. I can be a little detached from the present. I can dissociate. In this dream, I was detached from the situation until it caught up with me. It was horrible.

I am spending Friday night with Melissa and her kids. I will give Miranda a call on the weekend. I’ll reach out to my brother Mitch as well. Mel and I are celebrating my mother’s 54th birthday this weekend. Miranda and Mitch live out of town. Mitch lives on an island in BC. I should try to visit him this summer. I want to meet my nephews. Facetime doesn’t quite cut it.

I am trying to waste my day again on purpose. Today hits differently than last Thursday when I committed to doing the least because now I feel like I should be studying. I didn’t attend class yesterday. I was running on very little sleep and my cough was making me feel too flushed. I took a detox bath and that just made things feel worse which is a positive. That was the grand finale for that cough because it is finally over.

My teacher didn’t respond to my message on Teams. He said that he would send us his notes if we can’t make it to class. They prefer that we don’t come to class sick. I am the only person in the class who is set up on Teams because I took a course there last semester. All I have to work with is the outline for the course which includes a list of all of the units we will be covering. I also have those five simple algebra questions. I was rusty with those, I need to get more comfortable with them. I will just start researching the first unit on my own and start making my own notes, I suppose. I will also practice some algebra.

I did my old routine which made me feel some type of way. It was my avoidance routine. It contained a couple of habits that I am trying to overcome. I relapsed with NoFap and I really want to start semen retention. Basically, today I am trying to avoid leaving the house. I seem to have this habit of leaving the house on my days off to purchase things. I need to just relax. I usually hit up thrift stores. I don’t need to be spending money. I have a lot of hobbies and interests that I want to take up but I seem to be hiding from them. I started some of it last week when I had a four-day weekend. I don’t feel productive, I guess that is what I am feeling. I did nothing to advance anything. Back in the day I would at least put on some music and clean the apartment. Well, I did clean out the fridge and reorganized it. I cleaned the stove today at least. I vacuumed the apartment. I want to reorganize the cupboards and shelves in the kitchen also.

I am waking up from a nap and I feel groggy as shit. I am starting to miss coffee. Theoretically, now that my cough is gone I will know if it was my cold that was ruining my sleep or if my sleep pattern is broken because I quit coffee.

I weighed myself again today. I gained a total of 6 lbs since I quit coffee. I was looking for it in the mirror, lol. It wasn’t in my gut. My stomach was nice and flat, I wasn’t even feeling bloated let alone looking bloated for a change. I found the weight gain, my ass got fuller.

My shoulder pain is still an issue. I worked out a bit today and there are just some movements I cannot do. Without pain at least. I’m ad, I will just push through it which is making it worse. I have been meaning to join a gym in my area also. I mostly want their treadmills. I miss running. I can do it in the snow but I don’t like running that much.

Whatever. What a boring entry, I like that for me.

While I’m at my mother’s I am going to borrow her printer so that I can print some bank statements, etc. I went over my budget and finances last weekend. In November, Toni, my roommate, said that she will cover the full cost of rent and I am to cover the cost of everything else. She still pays the electrical bill and I cover the internet bill. I am spending more than $200 a month than her. Not to mention the time I put into the maintenance that she does not. Beyond throwing money around, she does not support me with groceries at all either, which takes up a lot of my time. She is getting free labour from me. I need her to sign that lease renewal. Once we are locked in I won’t feel the threat of her leaving me because she does not like self-awareness. Then I will talk to her. I am tired of being a simp.

Honestly, I want some of the old me back. I softened up a lot since my niece was born. It wasn’t just her, I was humbled quite a bit. I need to grow a spine and stand up for myself the way I used to.

Toni isn’t home yet, this is four days in a row that she went to her boxing class after work. Mind you, she has her first fight coming up. She can’t turn her mind off, she has a Virgo moon. This is why she self-medicates. She stopped drinking after I talked to her about it. She wasn’t in control and it was making a toxic environment at home. She is also trying to reduce her weed intake and because of her addictive personality, she is now a gym rat. She doesn’t have to think about anything else while she is there. I get it. I really do. She is tired of her snack attacks, which is why she wants to save her weed for the weekends. I also noticed that she is not going to the gym on the weekends.

Anyway, I am still feeling groggy. I hate when naps just make things worse. I will find something to do now. I’ll start with making dinner. I’ve cooked four times this week now. It is what it is.