Lead me Lord and I shall follow.. in 40 yr old guy with add trying to make it

Well recently I have had some things change in my life spiritually. I have always been a believer. As much as the next guy. But it was kinda like… yeah I believe there is something. Not really sure what. Or why. But I’m not totally against the idea. I went to church as a kid. (Sometimes by force) but I asked the lord to save me at 13. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my room early in the morning on a Sunday. Mom had to work so we weren’t going to church. I was bored so I turned on my top of the line RCA black and white 13 inch TV. Complete with rabbit ears covered in foil. (Helped with the signal) lol kids these days just wouldn’t understand.. but back on track....
I don’t remember the channel. It was probably TBN. We always got every single one of the religion and learning channels crystal clear… the first thing all kids look for on TV…
So here I am watching church on TV. Some big name evangelist I’m sure. And he is trying to tell everyone. The lord is my shepherd I shall not want. ( he was the only one that wanted…) but please make all checks payable to: Because God says so Ministries… we have all seen it. So as a child maybe 10 or 11. This guy was cool he was famous and on TV. AND HE WANTED TO HELP ME GET SAVED… Why me? What was so important about me??? But never the less I closed my eyes and listened. Then repeated after him.. Lord, I know I’m a sinner. And I know you sent your son to die for me on the cross. So that I could have ever lasting life.. I want to be saved in your glory father. In Jesus name we pray. Amen… OK Allright I did it… I should have felt like a new man. Right? Thats what the preacher said! God what is wrong with me. Why haven’t you saved me. Made me a better son? Brother? Christian? I asked you to come into my heart. Why haven’t you come? So next time we went to our regular church. I was proud. I felt like I had changed my whole life. Except I still didn’t feel any different. It was just my pride.. I hurried and told the preacher… hey hey hey.... guess what I did last Sunday? Even though I couldn’t come to church.... I ASKED GOD TO SAVE ME! Everyone was happy and excited and we planned my baptism. I was baptized and went on about my life. Like I had done my job. Didn’t know it was supposed to be different....
So I didn’t hate church. I have always just gotten bored easily. And if they didn’t preach in ways that kept my attention then they lost me at about… Welcome everyone, I would like to open us In a word of prayer. What ever energy they started with set the tone for the rest of the message. Soooo then years later I met my absolutely amazing beautiful wife… she had been through a rough start in life. Trauma as a teen. Sexual things that were blamed on her. By people that she thought were supposed to protect her. She was always in church her grandfather was a preacher. And they had their family church. I mean literally the only members were her actual family. But her grandfather preached it like it was. How it was ment to be heard. How I could imagine some of the disciples did. Telling everyone as loud and energetic as he could. I never understood how preachers did it. Where they found the words to say. I asked him one day… He smiled and said. Those words aren’t mine. I preach what the lord tells me. I just said oo ok. And left it at that. I still hadn’t ever heard anything from the lord. So I figured maybe it was people that were chosen to be the lords mouth. They had to be holier people. People like me. The ones that make mistake after mistake. Would never be worthy of anything like that.. So I struggled with it alot. I would get feelings about things or just suddenly think of answers to things but never really understood why. So as an adult church wasn’t number one on my list..
My now wife and I moved in together before we were married and her family wasn’t to keen on that.. then we had 2 kids before we got married as well. So their opinion of our relationship got worse. Her GP was always still nice to me. But I got tired of hearing about. Needing to be married..
So we didn’t go to church much. Some because I didn’t want to hear it. And Partly because I was lazy in all honesty. But the longer we stayed away the harder it became to go back..
The church slowly stopped having service due to medical problems and her grandfather was starting to decline.
So then even more years later after he passed. I was riding my Harley Electra down my favorite road. I call it therapy hill. It’s at least a 45° hill with tight back and fourth curves. And a complete 180° curve at the bottom. When I was upset I would ride that road back and forth. I was maybe on my 3 round and at the end where I would turn around there was a church. And on the side of the road in front of the church was a older gentleman on the back of a pick up. He had bags of vegetables and I thought he was selling them. So I stopped and yelled… hey how much for the bag of beans? He said free if you come to church sunday… I said huh? And he repeated it. I reluctantly agreed. And shook his hand.. I thought OO CRAP now I’m stuck I made a deal..
So I had to go home with these beans and break the news to my wife that we were going to church sunday…
Well Sunday came and we did not go to church.. something was going on and I thought God will understand. right?
So I started to feel bad. And the Sunday after that we went. It’s been really difficult for my wife to find a church she is comfortable in because they are all so different and modern than hers.. these actually have running water… lol all jokes aside I loved her grandfather’s preaching. So the outhouse didn’t matter. But anyway we went and she was OK. But we never really did feel like it was where we wanted to stay. Or at least I didn’t. I was in a bad accident in 2019 and since I wasn’t working for 5 months I had plenty of time for church and we went more. I was battling many other things at the same time. Addiction. Marriage problems. Issues at work. Financial problems. We lost our house and hadn’t been in the place we were at for more than 6 months when I was in the accident.. So we were super stressed. My wife developed her 2nd brain tumor. Wich caused what we now strongly believe to be cushings. Hormone imbalance that causes constant fear and anger and causes heart problems among many other things. She has a pace maker at 40. So my faith in God was growing slimmer by the day. We haven’t had the perfect marriage. It’s been over 20 yrs and it’s still work. Every day. We have both made things harder and made mistakes that hurt the other. So I got to a point I felt like God was punishing me. Why? What did I do to deserve to have to sleep with one eye open every night. Worried my wife would pass away in her sleep. What did she do to upset you so badly that she deserves to be so sick all the time? I kinda honesty gave up. And it didn’t feel like hearing Bible verses read from a tablet was doing anything more than I had already tried. So I got depressed I got desperate. My wife and I had been arguing over bad choices. And I thought we were on the verge of divorce. Honestly we had both thrown the idea at each other in anger. I felt hopeless. For 2 nights. All night long I cried. I cried to God. I prayed with everything I had. I thought if God hears me. He has to answer that. Right? NOTHING. so I was in the same place the next night. I just couldn’t shake the empty feeling. So again I was awake all night emotional and praying. Then it was Sunday. I’m not normally the first one up. I’m a night shift guy. So 8am Is not my happiest time of the day. But oddly I was up when my wife’s alarm went off. I wanted to go to church. We got there that morning and it was a different preacher. One I had never heard before. But I liked to hear him preach. So I paid more attention and at the end of service. He asked if anyone needed to come to the alter and pray. So I turned and looked at my wife. Kissed her and told her I loved her and went up to pray. I knelt there before God and cried again. I said lord I’m not sure what you want me to do. But I’m asking you to show me. I said father the last time I kissed my wife In a church was the day I married her. I gave our marriage to you back then but I was to stubborn to let you handle it. It was your story but I kept taking the pen. And I’m asking you to take it back. And make us what you want. I got up and went back to my seat. When we left I told my wife why I did what I did. And I think it made her feel bad for getting angry..

  So I work Sunday nights. It sucks. But somebody's gotta do it. After church I don't have alot of time before work. So I'm busy getting ready. I just kinda put the other parts of the day on hold in my mind. So I can concentrate on other things.

I left for work that day like normal.. it’s only a 8 min drive to work. It’s my few min of solace before the crazy night at work.
So I’m driving listening to music. And the Aaron Lewis song. Everybody talks to God. Came on. So I was thinking about the day. And all of a sudden I just felt calm. Calmer than I had ever been. And all the questions I had asked for years. Throughout our entire marriage. The answers were all in my head. I didn’t have to wonder. And I felt like a different person. I mean honestly a different person. I even was given the answer to the questions doctors could never figure out. I told them what to test for and it was correct. So now we can begin the long process of getting things back to what they should be.. medically. And spiritually. Since this I have the urge to do things I never have. Teach and help people. I had thought about wanting to be a counselor. But then just last Sunday. I went to a different church and met a pastor that made me want to be like him. He preaches from his heart. And what better councilor than one that shows you how the lord can save someone like me. I have realized my life hasn’t been perfect. And the things I always called punishment were just experience. That had a bigger purpose. It helps me connect with the people who need it most..
The alcoholics, the drug addicts, the people that are going through issues in their marriage. the people most hid in the dumpsters of life. But we all need the lord. Because some of the most lost sit in a pew every Sunday. And it’s ok.. I was was also once the same. But God finally showed me he has bigger plans for me. Can’t wait to see what happens next.

Blessings and peace to everyone
Thanks for reading.