smashing a lot into a little in just testing

I haven't written in a while and now I feel like I have a lot to say but I don't feel like dragging it all out.

SATURDAY We helped one of Will's friends move into their new apartment. It wasn't even a lot to move. It wasn't bad at all. This guy is getting married on Thursday [really excited to go to their mega expensive wedding] and it looks like they spared no expense on their apartment either. Marble top counters, everything is large and fancy.

Well their apartment has a 2nd bedroom. They will treat it as an office until a baby comes. The hubby is a little hesitant about having a baby but the bride is MORE than ready and wants to start trying on the honeymoon.

It made me a little jealous to see how together they have their lives. Both have jobs - not at all threatened by the economy in recent years. They're in shape. They now have this new expensive apartment. Their wedding promises to be extravagant and they will honeymoon in Hawaii and probably get pregnant and just live perfectly.

Will was full of 'don't do it' jokes about having a baby, which annoyed me - but only lightly.

Or maybe it was more than I thought.

Cause on our way home Will got a text that a different friend of his just knocked up his gf. And he's HAPPY about it.

And all Will could do was poo poo how the guy would have to sell his extra car to afford it and how the baby was going to ruin all the guys expensive things..

And I broke out crying. I mean I could not stop the tears.

And I know exactly why I was crying. I want a baby. I do. But I don't want it NOW in the current financial state we're in. And I'm fat and we're only getting older and I'm very much trying to get use to the fact that this may not happen for us.

So I told him - I know we're not probably never going to be in the position to have kids but I don't need to hear about everyone else who is - or your negative opinion on it.

Basically just forbade him to talk about babies.

And he shut up. The entire car ride. We even had to stop at a store before going home and I just dried my tears and did what we had to do.

In the end I felt bad and told him I loved him just to break this ice.

He looked like I had hurt his feelings or something. I dunno. I just wanted to smooth everything over. So the rest of the evening we were normal, watched some TV, etc.

SUNDAY We lucked out with him not having to work Saturday. Sunday he didn't have to work till late so we had a good time with eachother.

Another couple of ours left for a cruise that day - a Norwegian cruise just like our honeymoon - and they were posting some pix and I was back to not wanting kids just to go on another cruise.

Then, his sister posted on FB this gross story about her kids tooth that was loose but wouldn't come out. It hurt too much to do the 'tie it to a doorknob' trick but his adult tooth was coming in messed up because the baby tooth was in the way and the dentist quoted her $200 to pull it!

And I was thinking - do I want to deal with situations like that? Not being able to afford groceries cause I gotta pay $200 to pull a tooth?

That's how It would be - at least on what we both make. We're really living hand to mouth right now. Can you imagine the flip out that would ensue if we broke the bank over pulling a tooth? Something that's supposed to happen naturally anyway???

I dunno what I want. I really don't know.

Well actually I do - I want a job with a TON more money so I can afford a baby and a vacation AND still have some savings left.

I doubt that'll happen anytime soon.

MONDAY work was busy but not bad - everything was normal.

TODAY work was less busy. People are still saying thank you around every turn. I feel really appreciated there. I love the job - just wish the pay was DOUBLED.

And that's my life in as little a space I could fit it.