Financial Abuse the Sequel in Current Events

I finally got around to going over my budget and finances. In November Toni, my roommate, arbitrarily decided that she will take on rent in full and I will cover the cost of everything else. I only calculated the last two months and there is already a $420 difference in her favour. My class is over and I have a small window before I start my next one so I am finally looking at this new situation.

Before we moved in together she offered to pay the first month’s rent and the damage deposit. Then there was a security deposit for our electrical bill which she offered to pay. We agreed that we would split the costs down the middle for groceries and essentials. I would pay the internet bill and she would pay the electrical bill. She also said that she had everything for the kitchen but decided that it was too much work to get the boxes from her parents where she was staying. She said we would split the cost of kitchen supplies. The arrangement was also that I would be the one tasked with doing all of the shopping because I have a vehicle.

Whenever I tried to discuss money with her she would not give me the time. She would say just do whatever and/or take it out of the rent. She sends the rent out so I was sending her my half minus whatever she owed me which was a lot because we had nothing. That is why she did not receive anything from me for a month. She could never remember any of those conversations and her commitments.

Lest we forget that she had a mental breakdown over a guy that she wasn’t even dating shortly after moving in. She had a friend with benefits but she fell for him but he didn’t want her that way. He found someone else. I noticed that she drank a lot of wine but after that nervous breakdown, it was clear that she had a drinking problem. I made a lot of excuses for her and played it down but it created a toxic environment for me. My mother could see that she was an alcoholic just through me and how I was.

I’d come home at night and she would be passed out drunk on the couch, in a sitting position, her mouth would be open with drool drying on her face. The lights would be off in the apartment. She sat in the dark and got wasted almost every night. It wasn’t hard to notice how much she was drinking because I could see the empty bottles. I would clean the wine off of the counter, floor and walls. If she was awake she would try to hide the shame and make her way to her room walking into walls along the way.

I had since talked to her about her drinking. Huge improvement! Her weed intake tripled and she is now at her boxing gym 5x a week so I suspect that she is till not in control.

Every night was also dreadful because we would have the exact same conversation every night about her non-breakup. This saga continued for almost two years. This is taxing on my energy. She called me once while I was at work because she wanted me to come home. She was having a panic attack. I didn’t leave work early, I was bothered that she called me over that. It caused me to make a mistake which I ended up having to stay late to fix. Three of us at work had to stay to fix it. She is an adult, soothing ourselves is the first lesson we are supposed to learn in life. Clearly, her mother never let her cry it out.

So imagine my disappointment when I open up to her for the first time and told her that my family was going through a hard time because my grandmother was in the hospital because she was clotting after she got the con-19 vaccine and Toni turned that conversation around and made it all about her. What are you going to do if your work mandates it?! You better get it because I am tired of carrying you. You don’t pay your fair share.

That whole evening turned into the Tom owes Toni show. I lived with an addict before, I keep all of the receipts. I had since shown her how she owed me. It was $700 that she owed me but I waved it. She wanted me to pay my share of the rent in biweekly payments while I held on to the entire cost of the groceries until the end of the month when she would send me what she owes me for groceries. So basically, she would have all of my money until the end of the month. She only made one payment for groceries, ever. I sent her biweekly payments but took off what she owed me for groceries and streaming services. Then I eventually just sent her one payment at the end of the month which had only been getting smaller because of inflation. She decided that she will cover rent and electrical and everything else will be up to me.

So not only am I paying for the majority of the apartment, I am taking care of the majority of the apartment. This place feels like a second job. She does not respect my money or my time. Let alone my energy. I have way too many entries complaining about how I live with a child when we are the same age.

In the power dynamic, it is clear that she has the upper hand. She has a full-time job and I can’t afford this place on my own with the hours I am getting. This is why I wanted that full-time position. We talked about moving in together because we both had plans to go to school. She was suffering from crippling loneliness and I was ready to launch from staying with my sister and helping them out. Little did I know that her toxic codependence was going to be this parasitic to me. It’s as though I am her mommy & daddy and she is a child that doesn’t have to think about anything other than herself. The few times I’ve asked her to do things she literally got snappy with me as though I was a nagging mother.

Our lease renewal is on the table behind me. I feel stuck signing it. Once it is all said and done I will start the conversation that I need to have with her. The money one I will start as soon as I got the correct amount. I’m not waving this one.