Here goes in through the looking glass.

I start my new job tomorrow.

I’ve mostly been feeling afraid. I took the whole last month off of work, but it hasn’t felt like much of a break at all. Caring for my family takes so much energy. I really don’t know how I’m going to have the energy to both learn this new job - the culture, the people, the domain, the skillsets - and keep caring for my family. I really need David to take over more of the intangible tasks at home, but it’s just not happening.

This was my fourth job offer. The other jobs were good opportunities, too, but this was by far the most interesting. It’s also a totally different sub-domain and a totally different set of skills (skills I do have but that have never been part of my primary job responsibility). I really waffled on whether it was the right time to take a job like this, but then I kept coming back to this quote:

“The best moments in our lives are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times … The best moments usually occur if a person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Pregnancy was like that for me. Terrifying yet powerful. I didn’t, couldn’t, fully appreciate it until afterward, once the uncertainty finally gave way, once my children were finally in my arms. We’re very done having children, but I want some semblance of that again, that terrifying, powerful feeling, the potential for something wonderful.

This could be something wonderful. Really. I’ve been dreaming, ever-so-slowly meandering toward working in this field since I was a young college student. And the work itself is the kind of work I get lost in, hours just melting away.

I just have to remember that I’m not an imposter, though I will have a lot to learn. I also have to remember that it’s just a job. If it isn’t the right fit, I will find something else.

Here goes.