Tuesday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have since blocked my Mother and need to just sever ties. I can’t deal with her lack of compassion she has. I could NEVER treat my daughter the way she has treated me. I would never want her to feel the way I have felt. I plan to be there for my daughter as much as I can until I am no longer here. I would never just leave her high and dry to figure everything out on her own knowing she has nobody else. I will never understand this level of cruelty in my life and I’ve realized it’s just never going to get better and having any kind of relationship with her just makes me feel even more alone.

My daughter was just exhausted last night after being at school all day and then walking to and from so this morning we took Lyft to school and I walked back home. I plan to walk to get her and then get a Lyft back. I should hear something about my car either tonight or tomorrow. I’m really pushing clock because I have my spine appointment in the morning and if I don’t have my car I will have to reschedule which means I’ll just be in pain longer and have to wait even longer to get seen.

With not having a running vehicle, it really puts things into perspective and makes me realize that I need to get a job ASAP because even when the other car comes back, I don’t trust it’s going to last for more than a couple of years and I need to plan on buying something else. It’s getting older and has a lot of miles on it. I had a phone interview this morning but it was for a job that would start at 6:30am and that’s not possible because I don’t have anyone to get my daughter ready and take her to school. I have also thought about getting my CDL but the class starts too early in the morning and again, I don’t have any help with my daughter.

Being a single Mom with zero support has absolutely broken me. I am scared to death of the future and what’s going to become of us because there’s only so much I can do by myself. Everything is expensive and that really puts a lot of stress on my shoulders. Also having no help with my daughter makes me feel crippled. I would love to even find a weekend job but finding childcare is costly as shit for weekends and early mornings. It’s expensive to the point that there’s no way I would be able to afford it.

I have just lived in this same predicament for so long that I don’t know what the solution is. Feeling stuck and being stuck are the same for me. I didn’t even get a break from my daughter all Summer because no one came around. I became very depressed and just mentally checked out. I smoked like a chimney and ate whatever I wanted. I didn’t care anymore.

It’s like as much as I try to get a job or do what I can to make things better for us, another bomb gets dropped. Things started going downhill over the Summer and even though they’ve gotten a bit better then the next thing I know, I don’t have a running care we are walking everywhere! I just think it’s bullshit that my family could help but refuses to. They’d rather us struggle than help out.

I’m really upset that my life has turned out this way. I try to look at the positives but there’s less and less every day it seems. I have no one that cares for my daughter or myself. I’m honestly about to just never try to climb out of this again. The harder I try, the worse everything gets. It’s really draining to have no one to ever rely on or even have emotional support. I don’t even have a counselor anymore.

So my hot bath helped some. I’m pretty stiff and sore from walking. The snow makes it even more difficult because the roads and sidewalks are bumpy and slippery. I’m really hoping tonight is the last time I’m going to have to walk to get my daughter. This has been just too much for me to deal with. I’m worried about what the spine doctor is going to say and if I need ongoing to treatment I have to keep my health insurance. I doubt I’ll find a job with health insurance that I could have a doable schedule so that means I won’t be able to work. I have to start dealing with my back problems because now that they’ve gotten worse, it’s harder to function.

I admit, I didn’t think my back would get worse and even this bad but now, I have to fucking deal with it because I’m in too much pain just trying to stand up and do dishes. It’s really not okay how long that I’ve lived with this. I have also applied for disability but got denied because I didn’t have a sitter to attend the appointments they wanted me to go to. Never having a sitter has really made it difficult for me. I can’t move forward at all and basically just keep moving backwards and things are just getting harder because I can’t come out of this.