not my story, just my thoughts (Jake) in Second 1st

Jake in back in the hospital as the voices in his head insist he hurt himself :(. There is a fine line in his meds.... too much x and he gets overly anxious not enough x or too much y.... or at the wrong time of day and .... well he’s back in the hospital.

I’d taken the CoVid test after he’d gotten his phone taken but I did get ahold of him yesterday to apologize that I’d missed his call earlier in the day. I hope whatever the voices said about me missing his call wasn’t too bad. I’m leaving him to his own devices while I’m sick mostly because sleeping is best for me and maybe I’m not so good for his mental health.

Like maybe having a girlfriend in another state who’s still married isn’t ideal for a brain that can’t stay stable for more than a month. I do wish there were more I could do. Most of the time I’m not so sure that if his life had dramatic changes would it make a difference.... like....

Kegan… Kegan was a man I dated after I moved out from my ex-husband’s home and in with my brother. I did not work that whole first month and saw Kegan a good 2-3 times a week. We always had a great time but he was stuck in a personal rut he dug for himself that was pretty perpetual. He had a terrible toothache, had a criminal record, was jobless and drank a lot. He lived with his parents on a large animal-less farm. His dad gave him tasks like… clearing some stumps.... and removing nails from the boards of an old outbuilding .... just little stuff.... he’d take that money and drink it to self-medicate the tooth.... I tried so hard to help him see that if he’d put in a tad more effort he’d have the money to get the tooth pulled then he wouldn’t need the booze to get through the pain.... OR just grit and bare it a few days and use the booze money to get the tooth pulled....He was also working to get his record expunged and that was the same type of thing.... just a bit more cash.... Thank God I’d learned enough that offering to pay for things wasn’t happening “I could give you the money for your tooth.” or “I could pay the fees for your record.” never came out because I saw that he had the means He was just choosing not to do what he could.

I do fear that some of Jake’s issues are like that. I watch him wallow and make suggestions… but then though he would love to follow my suggestions he doesn’t?.... but if he tried I wouldn’t know I’m not there all the time. A recent bout of depression brought on by a grey sky staying too long What would you suggest for that? … Extra Vitamin D? B-12? I don’t have a cure for everything ..... I am a cure for nothing.... and I can’t just reach out and make it better, just make it happen.... I try so hard to keep things separated like .... this is something I can do and this is what I can’t do. .... He wanted off caffeine and he’s doing so well with that. Going from 3-4 cups a day of coffee to one once or twice a week. I sent him a couple of teas. My fave is an amazing herbal fruit blend that’s my #1 fave. I also sent him one that Rocky used a lot to
help him get off energy drinks because that was something I could do. In opposition, the things I can’t do, like give him stability (being married and 519 miles away) or help him get a lawyer to straighten out parenting time… that honestly, he can’t handle with the mental instability. I feel like he’s drowning and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s heartbreaking.

I do not forget to tell him I’m proud of him. I’m proud that he knows when to seek help. That he has been able to see when he needs changes in meds and time without his son or when he needs to check himself into the local hospital. It kills me though that he waited alone Friday. No one sat with him while he waited in the ER to be admitted. No one sat with him and held him while he pondered if he even needed to be there. No one was there to assure him all was going to be fine and they would still be there when he got out. Just a few phone calls to cover responsibilities and apologies. Who’s visiting him during visitation times? who’s spending a little bit of their time letting him know he’s worth their attention? Making him feel like someone important..... and here I am fucking sick knocking myself down with negative thoughts .... guess it’s time to get some rest.

Cant roll around in the can’ts all day.