My box. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had a pretty good day today. My job program is going alright and I spent the majority of my time there talking to a case manager. She was also a single Mom and completely understands my struggle. It’s so fucking nice to talk to people that get it. I told her that I am downright pissed off that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders while her ‘Dad’ gets to party and live his best life. It’s also sickening how much he’s talked about being the victim when there’s nothing about him having a child has changed his life at all. Ugh, some days I really have a hard time with things. Sometimes it’s still really difficult to digest everything even while living it for so long.

My good news for today is that I’m going to get help with my car repair bill. I am absolutely grateful as I’ve spent thousands over the years to keep my car going and at least this one time I’m going to get help. I can’t express how grateful I am because I was truly concerned it wasn’t going to happen and I was going to have to spend every spare cent I had to pay for it. I can’t WAIT to get my car back! The fact that she’s going to come back to me with so many things fixed makes me really excited!!

I have decided that I plan to figure out my back problems and depending on how severe, I may file for disability. I have lived with the back pain for so long that I can’t imagine ever being able to have a job, especially where I would be required to stand still for hours at a time. If my back problems can be figured out without surgery, I have to find something that’s going to work for my daughter’s schedule and I’m back to the drawing board with that. I’m just so upset that I had to resign from my job because it was good money and the perfect schedule and now I have to start all over.

The boss lady sent me a super rude text today telling me that I need to return my badge and door fob. I didn’t know it would need to be returned as most of the time if you quit somewhere, they just deactivate everything so it can’t be used. I definitely didn’t appreciate her text, especially when I wrote a really nice resignation letter and apologized profusely for having to leave and that I hope to be given another chance in the future. I also made sure to return my uniform as well because I want to get my check with no problems. With her being so rude, I’m kinda thinking I’m glad I quit.

I’m very upset that I have suffered with this back pain for decades and I wish I would have started trying to get help for it long before I did. I guess I just got used to pushing through everyday and not having health insurance that I didn’t realize it had gotten much worse and now I am unable to stand up and stand still for more than about 10 minutes at a time without feeling like my legs are going to give out. I am truly sorry for thinking I would be able to handle it 4 hours a day because now I probably won’t be able to work there again.

So yeah, I plan to either file for disability if needed or I want to do what I need to do in order to live a normal life and get a job but if I am to get injections, I’m going to need insurance so I have to find a job with decent health insurance offered. I know once I’m out of pain or it’s a lot more under control, I’m not going to risk not being able to keep up with injections, or physical therapy or if I need surgery.

I’m off tomorrow so I plan to get my daughter to school and then spend the rest of the day doing whatever I want. There’s a couple of things at the store I want and need so I may go so that hopefully we won’t have to go over the weekend but I don’t know. I may think about taking a nap too because I never get to do that. I’m definitely thinking about the future and know that I either need to file for disability or get a job by June. I can’t just be in limbo forever. I need to schedule an appointment with the ortho tomorrow so I’m going to call them in the morning. I’m just ready to get answers and start dealing with this. The dr yesterday that there’s arthritis in my back and he sees injections in my future. I just don’t know if I should freak out or not but the sooner I get seen the less stressed I’m going to be.