Sucking at Life is Selfish in Current Events

Anger is not an easy one to process for me. I held it in all day yesterday. I can feel it bubbling up to the surface again today. There was no real trigger. I am angry with myself and I am very conscious of the fact that I project it onto others. I don’t fight it, I learn from it. The easiest target is my roommate. Her character is weak. Every day is a battle to be better than someone like her. It’s very easy to be weak. I used to be like her and that is why it is so menacing to be around. I’m face to face with the worst version of myself.

Resentment is not a function of anger it is a function of envy. I envy people who don’t give a fuck. I just want to lay around and eat breads and desserts and get all fat and sassy.

What did I do to get myself so upset with myself? I went to my friends for a visit on Friday and we got drunk. I crashed at her place because we all got wrecked. I was hungover yesterday. My whole day was spent laying in bed which is my deepest desire but I had better things to do. I missed out on brunch with the girls, for starters.

It is not the end of the world but when I get mood poisoning all is revealed. It all comes to the front to be processed. It overwhelms me and crushes me. The theme is self-discipline. I am not content with my physique and I can do better but I don’t. I also relapsed with NoFap, the movement to quit watching porn. I even paid for a subscription to somebody on OnlyFans. Then there are all of the things I can’t seem to compel myself to do.

When my sister announced her pregnancy in 2016 I took a moment to reflect on my choices. They suddenly mattered. We will almost be 50 when my niece graduates. I was turning 30 and when I look around at everyone else my age and they can’t run, they can’t shit, they can’t breathe. They’re getting diagnosed with this, that and the other thing because of what they put in the past. We don’t get diseases we create them. I became conscious about what I wanted to put in my future. I quit smoking, I quit unhealthy eating habits, I quit eggs, meat and dairy. I quit being around toxic people, I quit a litany of other nasty habits and I pushed through a lot of my fears and anxieties to create better habits. I just quit coffee last week, I’m soon going to be quitting alcohol but the bane of my existence seems to be porn. I will win! Long story short, self-development has been my main quest since my niece was born.

The most important person in a crisis is oneself. Being self-centred is a bad thing in today’s society. They believe it is selfish but I think it is selfless. I want to be the best version of myself so that I can be strong enough to help others. The best version of myself is not somebody with no limits but somebody with parameters. I didn’t have the self-awareness to see how sucking at life and health made me a burden to others. That was selfish.

What was holding me back was the need to feel like it. I didn’t want to do anything unless I felt like it and nobody feels like it. I had to accept that nobody was coming to parent me and make me do the things that I don’t feel like doing. Nobody is coming to tell me to put my phone down and go for a walk. To clean up my eating habits. To exercise, work on my resume, get a new job and go to school, etc.

My roommate and I are the same age. I just turned 37 and she is turning 17. The conversation I am waiting to have with her is this:

If you were a parent to yourself, would you let your kid eat the way you do? Smoke the way you do? Drink the way you do? Eat late the way you do? Sleep all day the way you do? Treat people the way you do? Leave your mess for someone else to clean like you do? Be lazy like and leave everything for someone else to take care of the way you do? Would you let them suffer the way you do?

Codependence is parasitic. It is toxic and selfish. She, like most, doesn’t have the self-awareness to see how it affects others and they don’t want to be aware which is why they get defensive. I am waiting for an opportunity to have that talk. What would that do? The talk, I am hoping, will get her to get her life right. I feel like I am her mother. I can’t keep snacks in the house, she drank half of the nut milk for no good reason and I know that because she grabbed a new glass every single time. I know she grabbed a new glass because she left them for me to clean. The nut milk we use for cooking, for smoothies and she will use it for her cereal which she will eat as entire meals throughout the day if I don’t cook. This is what I get for not picking up juice yesterday?

Whatever, this entry wasn’t supposed to be about her. #Projection

I know what my issues are and I need to restructure my priorities. I also need to work on gratitude because I can be proud of my progress. I can be grateful for the progress my roommate has had for herself as well. Instead, I commit to being bitter and jaded. I’ve never been one for toxic optimism and toxic positivity. I don’t live in a fantasy land where nothing bad happens. Where consequences are so far away that we don’t have to care about what we do.

Perhaps I miss when I thought I was in control. The pain isn’t happening when we are drunk, high, binge eating, making that purchase, having that affair, procrastinating, etc. All we master when we grow up is pretending that the pain isn’t happening anymore and I am lucky that I didn’t have that epiphany at 50.

Anyway, on with my day. I have to be double productive. It’s going to be painful while I do it because my roommate is already laying on the couch without a care in the world because everything will magically happen around her.