Brain Stuff in Public

Sigh

I had my MRI on Valentine’s night. The results were in MyChart on the 15th. I told myself I wasn’t going to read them. My plan was to wait until I saw the neurosurgeon on the 28th. I did not wait.

From what I’m reading I have two smallish (less than 1 cm) lesions in the pituitary region. I don’t have a pituitary so it’s weird to call it that. This basically is what I’ve been suspecting. However, suspicion and knowing are different things with different emotions.

I am mostly just really sad about it. Two lesions that are growing almost definitely means tumor regrowth as compared to scar tissue. This also means I’ll likely need some kind of radiation therapy (hopefully just proton). There are only 40 proton beam therapy centers in the US, 4 here in Florida and 2 in Pennsylvania. We would have to relocate for therapy. I really need to not have this happen until summer so it doesn’t affect my job,

The thing is, knowing it is a tumor makes a lot of other things make sense. Like my shopping (which hasn’t been this bad since 2020) and my crying, and my lack of sex drive, and my anxiety, and the never ending headaches, and the list goes on and on.

My mom is mad. She’s angry that I have to keep dealing with this crap. I get that, I’m not exactly thrilled either. I keep telling myself that God doesn’t give more than we can handle.It’s hard to hear when I’m at my breaking point. I try to remind myself that I’m pliable and I can handle a lot and this is not a bad thing. Being able to overcome it is a sign of strength. (I’m really into Joshua 1:9 right now.)

So, that is where things are right now. I was hoping to see the neurosurgeon today, since I was off, but no one returned my calls. I guess I’m going to have to become really good at separating my emotions about my brain from my work emotions.

I think I had more to say but I took melatonin and now my head feels sleepy.